Tony as Sherlock - Chapter 1

So I manage to come up with an excuse to go back down for a day or so - quite good timing as well - apparently there's a bit of a rebellion going on that Eurydice's leading, and Mr H needs me to help to sort them out and "get their minds straight" as he puts it...or their heads banged together, which is what he really means he wants to happen.

So off I go then - quite apprehensive about what I might find out - and I've got to try and talk her into stopping the rebellion too - so that's two rather difficult jobs to manage at once. Oh well, here goes....

Priority Number one for me is to find out the answers to the questions that are bothering me. Just what did she plan to happen, who did she tell, when did she tell them - what was actually going on then.
And as it turns out, she's quite pleased to see me. It's pretty obvious that she hasn't been absorbed into the world down there just yet, she's still angry. All of which really suits me in terms of what I want to find out and sort out - so I start where we left off a while ago, asking her for the history of how she ended up down here, only this time, taking much more detailed notes of what she tells me.
So the plot thickens - she tells me a bit more about the arrangements with Mr H and what he advised her, and I begin to smell a whole nest of rats about it. The idea about snakes came from him, and that seems a bit of a big coincidence to me, plus the fact that there was a snake charmer performing just down the road as well, just to make Orpheus jealous. Snake charmers aren't common round here - so I wonder where he came from ? Thought crosses my mind that maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here, but it all seems too neat, too organised to me. So I make a note to try to find out a bit more about snakes and who might control them.

There's more to follow....

Tony turns detective

So where do I start ? Obviously Aphrodite will pick up the message from Artemis - but do I let on I've heard it too ? What do I try to find out, and who from ? How do you ask innocent questions of a goddess without them spotting a mile off what you're up to ? Can I find a way of listening in to her conversations without her knowing? Going to have to think about it for a while, at least - barins not always my strong suit, in case you were wondering - don't often have to use them to get what I want.

While i'm thinking about how to be innocent and ask, decide it's probably worth doing a bit of research on what actually happened - I know from talking to Eurydice what happened to her, and there will be records up top about how she died and all that. So my first port of call is the coroner's office to look at records.
So what do they say ? She was poisoned - some very rare poison that they don't see very often, once in a few hundred years, the records say. At first they thought it was a snakebite, two puncture wounds in the ankle, but there was no sign of snake venom. Then they founf the third puncture wound, right in the middle of the other two, and that was wherew the poison had been. According to the examiner, it looked a bit like a dart, or possibly a very small arrow - but they'd not found anything at the scene. Down on their records as "suspicious" with cause of death "unknown"

Now I know a little bit about how these goddesses work, and it sounded to me as if this missing dart or arrow could have been one of Artemis's. I know she's always going on about this secret weapon of hers, the invisible killer, the one she's used a few times to carry out "hits" for other gods - both before and after they changed the rules - before they did, she would do it and boast about it ( but not up top) and afterwards she'd hint at it, so that everyone knew she had really done it, but couldn't actually prove it.

So I had a look at the analysis of the poison - and it matched cases I knew she'd done - ones she'd done before it was illegal to do it. So that was the first bit sorted. Eurydice was killed by Artemis, using one of her secret arrows, and Aphrodite was in on it, to get her own back on Orpheus's mum.

Right, so far so good, but what next ? How come Artemis seemed to know when to do the hit ? Snakes with no poison aren't that common - and they certainly don't commit suicide by biting someone at an engagement do, when there's loads of people around with sticks and stuff to bash them. And how come those wasps turned up when she was being rescued ? It's all a bit too obvious if you ask me.

Maybe I need to go back down for a visit and ask Eurydice a few questions about how it all happened - I am allowed back there once in a while, as long as I don't stay too long - kind of like parole in a way - while I'm up here, I'm not supposed to be down there and vice versa, but a quick visit should be OK - only issue is how I wangle it to meet Eurydice without making everyone suspicious....better work on that one too. Now that's two things to sort out....

What Tony found out....

So what was it that was so big and scary that I had to stop talking just now ? In my view, something that makes the assassination of JFK seem like small beer - and what's more, something that someone can actually do something about.

I know what the rules are for Gods and mortals and this one breaks almost all of them at once.

The only question for me is whether I tell about it - go public, in other words, or whether I use what I know to make them do the right thing without the shame of the public knowing what they get up to.

Either way, my relationship with Aphrodite won't ever be the same, and going back downstairs will be different because Mr H is in it up to his neck, and he won't be best pleased with me whatever I do, plus there's a couple of other gods who might have it in for me a bit more than they have now, and they aren't the sort of gods you really want to piss off too much. So what do I do ?

If I tell you what I know, maybe you could tell me what I ought to do next - you know, some sort of popular vote, like on reality TV, only where the vote tells me what people want me to do about it. So let's go with that for now - whether I consider myslef bound by your decision is, at this point anyway, up to me.

So - here goes.

One day, when we were resting after a bit of a frolic (a romp, the tabloids would call it) Aphrodite's mobile goes off. Normally she just switches it off, but this time she was asleep and it went through to voicemail - and for some weird reason, her phone was on speaker so I could hear every word. It was Artemis, and she was asking her, first of all, how things were going, whether she was still enjoying having me around, and saying that if she'd got fed up of me, to pass me on to her - she could think of a few things she'd like to do before she let them kill me again. Like I said, irresistible to the opposite sex, and sometimes I wish I wasn't. I want someone to actually like me for who I am rather than just that face and body, but enough of my problems.

She went on to gloat about how everything had gone OK with the "mission" she'd been asked to do - how it had all gone according to plan and that she had heard (and I quote) "the son of that bitch Calliope" was wishing he'd never been born - his girlfriend was dead as a doornail and couldn't be rescued again and he thought it was all his fault. And she laughed about that - the poor sap, she said, he hasn't got a clue, has he ?
She asked Aphrodite to get back to her about things when she had a minute and hung up.

Now I know my nymphs ( I know quite a lot of nymphos too, but this bit is just about nymphs) and I knew all about what Calliope had done - after all, she was the reason I was able to spend two thirds of my time up here and only one third down there, so I was a bit intrigued as to what might have been going on here.
I knew Aphrodite wasn't that keen on her, she'd wanted me up here the whole time, and that Ares was well pissed off because he wanted me down there the whole time - well, away from his other half anyway, which was why he'd killed me himself.
I also knew that Mr H wasn't too pleased either, because he'd wanted Lady P a bit more to himself - well, to start with, anyway, and Lady P had wanted me there more of the time, and one third wasn't really enough for her, so I knew she hadn't made any friends with the gods.
From her point of view it was always going to be a no-win situation for her, let's face it.

But what was all this about her stitching up her son and killing his girlfriend ? You could understand the revenge aspect of it, but who were they ?

It didn't hit me at first, I just thought it was a bit odd, felt sorry for whoever it was, since Aphrodite and Artemis between them would do a good job on fixing things - they would certainly stay fixed. Then I had a rather nasty thought - I had a feeling I knew who her son was, so I asked around a bit, as you do, and found out that Calliope's son was called Orpheus. Immediate alarm bells. I know it's not a common name, but there could be more than one, so I checked a bit more, and found out that it was that Orpheus, Eurydice's Orpheus.

Then it really did hit me - something seriously dodgy had been going on, and because of it, Eurydice was really dead. And that wasn't right, not in my book, not something she deserved, Godesses ganging up on her. So I decided it was time to find out what had really happened - do the detective bit - while keeping myself out of it, so that I could live to tell the tale as it were - when gods have got it in for you, they usually manage to get you eventually - the trick is to stay alive as long as possible and make them cheat, make them break the rules in an obvious way so you can keep yourself alive and intact. I know it was something I hadn't done very well myself, which was why I was here, but I needed to do it for her - she hadn't got anyone else who knew enough to sort it out.

Him ? Waste of time. Last thing I heard, he was off wandering in the north, Thrace or somewhere like that, playing sad songs to whoever would listen, and that he really, really had it in for women - telling blokes not to get involved with them - not exactly a smart move, in my opinion, only lead to trouble, but you could understand it - he was badly hurt by it all and didn't have the strength to fight any more.

So it was down to me - and I knew something secret that could blow everything to bits.
Now all I had to do was follow up the story and ask Aphrodite some innocent questions - then I've got the real problem of deciding what to do next.....

Tony finds something out

Couldn't stop thinking about Eurydice - it all seemed so unfair - yes, I know she was stupid to have done that deal with Mr H and pretend to be dead, but she didn't deserve what happened to her, not the way it did just when it all seemed to be going right.
I had very bad feelings about what happened then, and did say something to Mr H about it, but he wasn't impressed - in fact he threatened to tell both of the women in my life that I'd actually had it off with her - and the problem was that I knew they'd believe him - they both know how women find me irresistible, and would believe any story about someone throwing themselves at me - and that just once in a while I might respond - and the fact that I'd spoken to Lady P about her to try and make sure she escaped would be seen as more evidence against me...so I backed off pretty quickly. He also made it abundantly clear that I was expected up top, as it were, for my annual appearance to keep the crops growing, and that saying any fond goodbyes to dead people would not be welcome, so I just got out of there before anything else happened. Felt bad that I'd not seen her before I went, but there wasn't a lot I could say - she was off my caseload anyway, so I couldn't really help. All I was hoping is that by the time I got back down there she'd come to terms with where she was and had let go a bit of that anger. A bit optimistic maybe, but time does that to most people in the end.

Anyway, Aphrodite was really pleased to see me and things went pretty OK for a month or two, then, all of a sudden, I found something out that changed everything, something so big and so scary I just couldn't let it go - and it has major implications for several gods, for me and for Eurydice too. I'll tell you all about it next time - got to go now, before I get spotted talking to you.

Hooray - it's story time at last

You probably thought I'd never finish it - you might be right, but at least I'm going to start finishing the end or something like that. Had to re-read the last bit because it's been so long since I wrote it....seems Ok - so, deep breath and here we go.

Been here a while now, seems like a very long time. That's the problem with being down here - time seems to move at a very different speed from up there. I tried a calendar, or even scratching lines on the wall to keep track, but days aren't days down here, which kind of throws it all out. There isn't any sunrise or sunset, it's all some kind of grey, like the sort of day when you know it's going to rain all day, but it never quite does. The only way you can work out that it's tomorrow is by going down to the ferry and looking at the passenger lists. They've all got a date and time on them - because they only give counselling to people for the first couple of weeks and so they know when people are ready to move out of Asphodel and on to wherever. I suppose you could say it's a bit like sleep deprivation - you don't actually get any - but that's because you're not really awake either - except the name of the game down here is life deprivation - the purpose of it is that after a while you start forgetting who you think you are, probably because you aren't them any more, and things kind of seem to be out of focus.
They tried to explain it to me, during one of those marathon counselling sessions they still go in for - the "how to come to terms with never, ever, being alive again" ones that they seem to enjoy making me go through because I'm still playing hard to get, still trying to deny my lack of mortality - my demise, my departure from the land of the living, my inability to breathe, eat, sleep, do anything - my death, they call it. They keep reminding me not to have any expectations of things changing, but I'm still kicking - although I'm not alive.

So why am I still holding out ? I can still remember how I ended up down here - the deal that went wrong and the failed rescue, and I'm still very, very, angry about it all. They tell me that's how you end up haunting places, being angry, but there isn't anywhere I want to haunt, or anyone either. I saw the look on his face as I was dragged screaming back down here, and it was the sort of face you don't want to ever see again - all hope gone, the light behind the eyes fading although he was still alive, the realisation that it was all down to him in the end and he'd failed me...it was too much to bear. Can't do action replays of that, no way, not at all.
Maybe that's why I'm so angry - I'm so aware that I got myself into this mess to get at him, and it got at me - I became my own nemesis - and it serves me right. That's one hell of an anger to come to terms with.

So what is he up to anyway ? I'm still allowed up there once in a while, just to see ( I think Mr H does it to torture me because I turned him down) and it's not that rosy for him either. I was worried that he'd get off with that cow next door, but he seems not to be in the least interested in her or in anybody else of the opposite sex - not even his music, it's all going wrong for him too. Last time he played anything, instead of charming the wild beasts, one of them came up and bit him. Quite nasty it was. Obviously lost his touch there too.
She's tried throwing herself at him a couple of times, but he pointed out, firmly, gently and very, very, sadly that she was a married woman and that he thought her husband was expecting her to wait for him. After the second time it happened, I think she took the hint. She didn't look too pleased about it though. So Penny's off the menu. He seems to be sadder than I've ever known him - there's that empty look in his eyes, the thousand mile stare, I think they call it - someone who's seen something and felt something they wish they hadn't. Which indeed he has - plus he thought it would be easy to sort out, bringing me back, what with his powers and his half-godness - and it's all turned out wrong, and he blames himself. If only he hadn't showed off about charming snakes, or messed around with Penny, or turned round to look at that crucial moment, that's what's eating away at him - the what ifs, the if onlys and the why did I's - and none of them bring any comfort. I don't need to haunt him, he's there haunting himself. Which isn't what I want for him - at least he did try - and I think that if he knew the truth, what really happened, he might feel different about it - so I ask about telling him, in a dream as it were, what actually happened, but apparently I'm not allowed to. The rules ( surprise, surprise - as interpreted by Mr H, I reckon) don't allow that, it's "interfering with the living and their coping mechanisms for your dying in a way that's incompatible with being dead" they tell me, and now I really am dead, I'm having to comply a bit more than I did. They do have power over me down here - and it's miserable enough without making it unbearable.

Apparently the only time I would be allowed to tell him is if he was going to top himself because of it - and then only after he'd started - you know, that bit when the whole of your life flashes before your eyes - that's when you can butt in, apparently, and point out it's not their fault - which might change their mind about dying - but whether they make it out alive or not depends on the method they've used to try to do it, and whether they can stop it somehow - and if they don't make it, you've just spilt the beans on what really happened, so when they do get down her they're not going to be happy about it, not at all - sounds more than a bit hit and miss if you ask me, too many chances of it all going wrong. Let's just hope he doesn't do anything like that. I'm sure Mr H would love telling me that he was - and he'd probably insist on me confessing, too, especially if it was pointless - he'd probably find something in the rule book that meant I had to.


So back down here, I'm struggling to keep myself from going native with the dead people - every session with the counsellors pushes me closer to the edge of forgetting that I'm really still alive -I didn't really die - somebody cheated, and I shouldn't be here. I would say it was a gut reaction, but they aren't where I thought they'd be - I'm still making the jokes about PMs, althought they aren't really that funny any more. I just feel that it's not right and that someone will sort it all out - it's all been a big mistake and all that.
Tony's not been around for a while - he got sent back up to be killed again ( like he does every year) not long after the rescue went wrong, so he's up there having a great time messing about with Aphrodite, waiting for the right time of year, and because of that Lady P down here is miserable as sin. I reckon there's still a few months to go, too. All comes down to pomegranates in the end, but I'm not saying that to her, well, not to her face anyway.

As for the DRC, the club I wanted to set up, most of them have moved on to the Fields already, wimps, none of them got the persistence to hang around in Asphodel and kick against it.

So that's it from me for now, I'll let you know any developments - assuming there are some. I've nicked the counsellors' guidebook and scripts, so maybe I'll tell you more about them next time....

Alternative endings revisited

So how does it all end ? So far, you've got the traditional ending of the myth, ay least as far as Eurydice is concerned. She's dead and in the underworld. According to the myth, she is reunited with Orpheus when he dies - killed by Thracian women for one reason or another - and his head floating down a river to the sea with his harp...nice story...not how I'd choose to go, but that's myths for you.
I suppose the question is how long does it take to happen, and what is Eurydice doing in the meantime? Does time travel at the same pace for dead people ? The myths don't say - The waters of Lethe are supposed to bring forgetfulness - but it would seem they're not exclusive to dead people. But if memory goes when you die, why would you want to be reunited with former lovers? You wouldn't have a clue who they were, would you ? And they wouldn't know who you were either. But if memory doesn't go, it must be truly awful down there - always remembering what it's like to be alive and not able to do any of it. Maybe that's what hell really is ? Sounds pretty bad to me - mind you, that could just be down to a lack of patience on my part - I always want to know the answer NOW .

Maybe I need to say what I think about afterlife and so on. I kind of picked up some buddhist ideas somewhere back in my (misspent) youth - and part of that was a view about death and reincarnation - and choice. Until you get it right - the why you are here question - you go round and round - each time you come back, you've got a lesson to learn and that's why things happen to you. If you get it right, you get to choose between not coming back ever again and becoming part of the energy that moves the universe, or coming back to do it all again - only you're not allowed to remember how it was supposed to work. That's one idea - hell is a place on earth ( sorry Belinda, you've got it wrong - spot the quote again) and it's wherever you are right now because it's what you need to learn. But then sometimes I wonder if hell is somewhere else - it's the place you end up in where everyone else is happy and you're not - they're all watching Eastenders and Hollyoaks when you want to watch the football and vice versa - and there's no escape from it.
I suppose it depends on how much you think god or gods or whatever punish people for getting it wrong.
The next question is to ask what "wrong" actually is - are things happening because of your choices or are you doing things to other people because it's what they need to learn ? You could justify just about any crap behaviour you want if you go along that - it's not me, it's what you deserve and I am the agent of nemesis....if you hear voices saying that it's definitely time to stop and get help - but how unreasonable is it ?
I guess inside we all know the answer - it's not a "good" thing to hurt people - in any way, certainly not if you know that's what you'll do, but there's still that choice - are you sure that doing the opposite won't end up hurting them even more? In the end, I guess you just do what you can when you can, for the best reasons you can. That's what I try to do - he said - maybe seeking to justify himself for doing things he thinks are wrong - no, maybe knows aren't quite right, but the alternative seems so much worse. Torn in two - decisions made, but it still hurts, still eats away at the nerves - it will do, right up till the end and possibly even after that. Lots of things to talk about, but nothing to say - back to the beginning - and this started off as an ending for the story - maybe I really can't stop talking about myself ? Is there anyone out there ?

Dead Rebels

So call up the members of the club - this is time to revisit the Romeo and Juliet story I think - where she was playing dead and he killed himself instead of trying to find her, which meant she was stuck down there - she'd done a dodgy deal with Hades too, because of family stuff and ended up dead because she hadn't sussed out what could happen - so this space could also include Heathcliff and Cathy ( cue kate bush), Cleopatra and Mark Antony, Anna Karenina - any more for any more ? and if we want to go contemporary, who better than Paula Yates and ( whisper it) Princess Diana - more dodgy deals about death that didn't work out - and Mr H down there rubbing his hands about all the pretty ladies who can't escape his realm - anyone got any more tragically suicidal heroines ?
Ruling out Sylvia Plath - not accidental - she meant it !!

Can't resist quoting Dorothy Parker on suicide :

Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp -
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful -
You might as well live !!

I like her wit - she once described an actress as going through the whole gamut of emotions from A to B - ouch!! and on being told of the death of (President) Calvin Coolidge she asked " How could they tell ? "
When told about the halloween activity of ducking for apples, commented, "
Change one letter in that sentence and you've got the story of my life"....and, at a society party "If I have one more drink, I'll be under the host" smart lady....or possibly : "That woman speaks 18 languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."

What happens next - the Dead Rebels Club ?

So blackness again - and this time, when I come out of it, I somehow know that it's done with. Life, that is. Had my chance to escape, and blew it - or he did it for me. Why did it have to be wasps? Everybody knows I hate them and that I'm bound to react the way I did. Especially a certain god down here - can't help thinking he had something - well, more than something actually - to do with it. This idea is kind of supported by the fact that he turns up again just after I come round, saying "so you do know what it is then, buzz, buzz - shame about the sting - never mind, you'll soon get used to it down here" in that stupid voice he used the first time.
I want to knock his stupid head off, ram his teeth down his throat and so on, but something stops me - the knowledge that he's in charge down here and it wouldn't be smart to piss him off too much in case he really does get nasty, because that could mean Tartarus or worse for me.
Looks like I've got to settle down to being a nice happy dead person and prepare myself for a life ( well, not really, but it's the only way I can describe it) of excitement - like waiting to see who's died this week and taking long walks in the fields or doing nothing much, just wandering around like a ghost. Great. I always wanted to do that.
The Bereavement Counsellors have come back too - this time, because there's no chance of a rescue, they seem to be a bit more aggressive - telling me that my first death set rather a bad example and that I've got to sort myself out and really make death my friend this time. Bastards. I still feel the same - cheated and betrayed by people I trusted - and I want to kick and scream and tell them where to go, but, once again, something stops me. Same worry - if I really annoy them, they can make my life hell - and this time I can't get away from them. So I say sorry, that I didn't think I was really dead last time, that's why I behaved like that and can we start again ? Clean slate ? They seem to be really pleased with that answer, tell me it's nice to see I've finally come to terms with my death and give me some more helpful advice about how to join the Elysian club, whihc it would seem, is the most fun you can have round here. Apparently it beats the hell out of mindless wandering, low-pitched moaning and staring into space which is all a lot of dead people get to do. So I ask what the benefits are, and they tell me that you go for long walks, have the chance to look at things and chat about them with other dead people. Can't see the difference myself, but they obviously can, so I won't argue with them about it, just put my name on the list. They leave me with a really helpful book - "One hundred things you didn't know dead people can do".
I read it. The title wasn't quite right - it was more like five things dead people can do, in twenty different ways and places. Oddly enough, mindless wandering, moaning and staring into space were three of the five - although they didn't say that in so many words, but "non-directed perambulation", "vocalisation pitched below the treble register" and "spatially directed visualisation" seem the same to me, just dressed up as things you might like to do. No way do I want to do any of them. Ever.

So now what do I do - I'm really dead and there's no second chance of being rescued.
What am I going to do? I still feel like I'm alive, in the wrong place and all that, but how long can I hold out ?
Just had a thought - maybe I could start a Dead Rebels Club - for people who were really pissed off about being dead and who need to have somewhere to escape the boredom - people who want to disrupt the cosy world of deadness and stir things up a bit. I check up with the rule book I was given ( again) and it doesn't say you can't, just that you can't take the arguments up there or down into the Fields because it would give the wrong impression. Well, maybe I'll play ball, or maybe I won't.
So I decide I'm going to advertise for members for the Club - I need a good few to make it all worth while, and each of them must have a story to tell - I reckon some of these stories will be a bit off, but at least what counts for their heart is in the right place.
Which from my experience means it will have been put back somewhere other than where it came from. As I said earlier, that tends to be what post-mortems do for you. Anyway, once the club is is up and running we'll shake things up a bit down here!!