How I ended up here - Tony's version

You may well be wondering how I ended up down here, doing counselling sessions for people who don't realise that they're dead. There are quite a few of them, believe me, the neo-dead, and they can really disrupt the place. They're never satisfied with being dead, they expect things to be the same as when they were alive, and so they stir up trouble and make the really dead people unhappy, which is not what we want down here. I used to be one of them myself, which is probably why I ended up with the job I've got, though my relationship with the Queen of the Dead might have helped a bit in getting me the smart offices and all that.
So what can I tell you about me ? How did I get here and why ? More to the point, why am I not that bothered about being dead - could it be because I'm not always like that ?
Let's get on with the story. I'm told that there was quite a lot going on before I was born, something to do with fathers, daughters and trees, but I decided it's better not to ask too many questions. There's a lot of things it's better not knowing too much about, believe me.
For me, it all started when Aphrodite decided she fancied me. I was pretty young at the time, and up until she decided to take an interest I was still fairly innocent - I'd had the odd schoolboy crush, the usual sort of thing. So when someone comes along who is immortal, beautiful and everything anyone could want, ever, well there really isn't any competition, is there ? What's more, she knew it too. Maybe she took advantage - no, it isn't a maybe, she definitely did, but I wasn't complaining at the time. Goddesses have a way of making you feel wanted, while at the same time making it pretty clear that you don't really have a say in it.
And in this case, as we're talking about the goddess of love, no say whatsoever. She makes all the rules anyway, and, not surprisingly, she knows how to use them to suit herself when she wants to. And she's pretty attractive too, given how old she really is. I would point out that her age is not something you'd talk to her about, and not a question you'd ask her either, not if you want to stay alive for long, that is. That seems to be one of the main advantages of being immortal - you decide how old you want to be and that's always how old you seem to be.
The only problem was that, like all the other gods ( except maybe Athena and Apollo) she was already married. And who was she married to ? Ares . Yes. Well. You wouldn't normally pick a quarrel, never mind a fight, with the god of War, not unless you've got a serious death wish. He's not exactly a shrinking violet when it comes to getting a fight started - it seems to be the main part of his job description. Well it would be, wouldn't it ? He is the God of War after all.
He must be a real hoot at parties - you can imagine the conversation- "So what do you do ? "
" Me ? I'm the god of war and battles, I start wars and other things that kill people. Lots of people. Fancy a fight ?"
bit of a conversation stopper that one.
I've even heard a rumour he sometimes wears a t-shirt that says "Come and have a go if you think you and your army are hard enough" which he thinks is dead funny. Bad sense of humour there. Bet he doesn't get any takers, either. I certainly wouldn't argue with him, but seeing as that's who her other half was, I didn't really have a choice there either. Given what was going on it was obvious that he was going to argue with me.
I will admit it was one of the first things I asked her about, given that I'm quite fond of staying alive - whether he'd be bothered about what she was planning to do - but she said he was usually far too busy doing other things (like starting wars, getting involved in wars, watching people getting killed, that sort of stuff ) to be that bothered, and that anyway they did have an understanding about her "needs" too, that meant she could do pretty much what she wanted with who she wanted.
Maybe she didn't quite get that bit quite right, though. That becomes rather obvious a bit later on.

So there I was, the mortal beloved of a goddess. It's good for the ego, but very bad for the soul, because you don't have any say in what happens. She wanted me, she's the goddess of love, I'm a mortal, she gets what she wants - that's all there is to it.
We had some quite nice times, all things being equal, I wouldn't complain at all. You don't get to be the goddess of love without knowing how to do things properly, and she certainly made my life interesting - even though I didn't have any choice about it. That can be quite attractive at times too. So all this has been going on for several months, everything seems fine, when all of a sudden he finds out about my existence and what's going on, and, not surprisingly, doesn't like the fact that she's much more into me than she is into him. Quite understandable that she would be, if you ask me, given how cute everyone says I am. Not that he would understand that, of course.
As far as he's concerned, I'm up to no good with his wife and I've got to pay for it, preferably with pain, suffering, blood and death but not necessarily in that order. Not a position you'd choose to find yourself in, if you had a choice, that is.

Now this is the point where it all starts getting a bit complicated.
Because she was scared something might happen to me, with good reason - and it wouldn't be an accident, although it might look that way - she knew he used to do deals with the other gods and goddesses, like hiring them as hitmen,for example, and she knew that Artemis is a bit of a deadeye with a bow and arrow, and that hunting accidents are fairly common - she decided to pack me up in a trunk and send me off to her best mate so that I'd be safe. As it turned out, this wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. Her best mate spends six months of every year ruling the underworld. Her name's Persephone (why should that surprise you?) and she was (as fate would happen) getting a bit fed up of it all, getting a bit bored of hanging around with dead people all the time she's down there. Mr H isn't a big bundle of laughs either, he's a bit busy ruling the place, taking the guard dog for long walks and sorting out problems, so she's getting a bit bored of him too. So I arrive on her doorstep out of the blue, she opens the box, and guess what? She falls for me too. Why am I not surprised ? I seem to have this effect on the opposite sex, without even trying. It's a mixed blessing, believe me. I know quite a few people who'd really like that, but trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. If you fancy someone back, it's great, but that can't happen all the time - there's a lot of girls out there who you wouldn't want falling for you - especially as they end up being obsessed, and following you around. Anyway, although Persephone's not quite as cute as Aphrodite, she is a goddess in her own right too, and that makes a difference. OK, so she's a bit chilly at times, but I'm not going to turn her down, am I ? As if I could, anyway. Once again, as I explained before, she's a goddess, I'm a mortal, I don't really have a say in it. What's more, I'm down here in the underworld, which is her territory, and you don't need enemies down here, that's the last thing you need !
And, why am I not surprised, she's married. And this time it's the god of the dead - great - I've got war and death to choose between upsetting - and what is more, surprisingly, he's not the happiest of bunnies about his wife falling for a cute kid that her best mate's sent her to look after.
So I'm feeling like I'm Mr Unpopular with the gods, but Mr Irresistible with the goddesses. I can live with this, I suppose, but it certainly doesn't make things any easier for me. Half of them want my body and the other half want my body dead. Very dead. So I have to be very, very careful.

Anyway, after a month or three, her up there gets wind of what's going on and comes down here to make a scene. And that's one hell of a scene. You would not think they were ever on speaking terms, never mind best friends. Ouch !
Well, having two goddesses fighting over you is kind of fun, but there is always the risk they'll take half each - and I mean physically - and that might just hurt a bit. Fortunately they both want me in one piece too much to try that one. So in the end, to make the peace, because all the dead people down here are complaining they can't get the rest they've been promised, they get the top guy, Zeus, to come down and referee it and make the call. So he arrives, has a bit of a think and comes up with this idea. He asks one of the muses, Calliope I think her name was, to come up with the answer, and says he'll back whatever it is she says needs to happen.

So she works out that Persephone's stuck down here for 6 months out of 12, and that Mr H isn't too keen on having me around all of that time (although he is more tolerant than his mate the God of War) so there's no way Im going to end up down here for half the year as well. She also works out that Persephone won't let me not be here for at least some of the time she's down here. So she decides the sensible thing is to split things three ways - which she works out as 4 months down here with Persephone and 4 months up there with Aphrodite. That can't be too bad, can it? Plus she decided to let me choose where I was for the last third - I reckon she felt that I'd been goddessed a bit too much, and had absolutely no choice about things, so far. Zeus obviously thought a bit of male solidarity was appropriate in the circumstances, so he made them agree to it. Nice one.
So now I've got to make a choice for the odd thirds. You tell me - if you had a choice between the goddess of love, sunlight and fresh air and the queen of the dead, darkness and gloom for 4 months, which would you go for? Same as me then. So that works out as 8 months up top and 4 months down here.
Neither of them is totally over the moon about this, especially her down here, because she thinks she's lost out, but they both seem to accept it, at least for now. Both the husbands seem to as well. So for a while everything seems to be going just fine again, well for me at least, but then the god of war gets involved again, and how. He decides he's had enough, it wasn't his idea to let me spend two thirds of the year with his wife anyway, and now he's not going to go for these arrangements, he's going to go for me instead and start his own war - with me.

I thought they had an understanding about stuff like this, like she told me, but he thought otherwise. Like I said, he didn't understand. He's determined to sort me out once and for all - and he's clear that that sorting out isn't going to be something I'm going to like. So off he goes and changes himself into a wild boar (one of his favourite changes) and then he goes looking for me.
Now like an idiot, I've gone out hunting, which is one of my favourite hobbies - and what's even stupider, I'm hunting for wild boar, even though I've been told by her up there that it's not a smart move (for obvious reasons that she didn't explain and I didn't get until too late)
He comes running at me with malice aforethought, and although I get him with my spear, he gets me with his tusks. And as I'm mortal and he isn't, you don't have to think too much about it to work out which of us ends up dead. That's right, it's me. Very painful, lots of blood, not exactly quick either. So there I am, stone cold dead.
That makes him very happy. Aphrodite isn't too pleased about this, obviously. Someone is going to pay for this, in her book, so she swears revenge on everyone involved, and, to make sure I'm remembered, uses my blood to make some flowers. Quite cute, but I'd rather be alive than be a bouquet. Anyway, after a while, once she's calmed down a bit (which took some time) she tries to cut a deal with Mr H. She knows that although Persephone would be quite happy for me to be down there all the time, he wouldn't be. He's OK for her to be distracted some of the time (I can see why, she does get a bit heavy about things) but he does want some time with her on his own as well.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that the gods do another deal and I kind of get semi-immortal status - which is an improvement on being dead, but it still means I have to die every year - usually in some painful way that involves bleeding a lot ( that's down to Ares) and I still have to spend 4 months down here (Persephone) , but I get rescued by Aphrodite once a year and get brought back to life for four months. And I still get to choose where I go for the other 4 months, including whether I'm alive or dead. You don't have to guess which I choose.
So for me that's mostly OK except for the getting killed bit, but since the alternative is being permanently dead, I agree to it. Choice ? Maybe not, but it feels like I might have. So that's why I'm down here now.
But that doesn't explain how I got to do this counselling stuff, does it ?
One time, while I'm down here, Mr H has a bit of a chat with me - he reckons it would be good for the place if there was someone who was able to work with people who aren't really dead yet, or who don't think they are, and who might get rescued, so that they understand what it's all about - apparently there's quite a few who seem to be here by mistake and who take a while to realise that they are dead, since most of them don't get rescued in the end, in spite of promises that they will.
From his point of view the added bonus is that it keeps me away from his wife for at least some of the time I'm down here, although she does still keep me on a short leash because she still has the hots for me, and she doesn't want me going off with someone else - for her, it's bad enough having to share me with her up there. Since most of the people I get to work with are female and find me irresistible to start with, this usually confuses them about being rescued by their blokes. Not that this is my choice - it just always happens that way. Like Eurydice, for instance. Let's leave it at that for now - I'll fill in the gaps later.