I just heard the news from Mr H. He's finally got here - well, he's on his way down the tunnel that leads to the river. He's coming to rescue me from here. And about time too, I say to myself. Actually, I'm not sure whether I want to laugh or cry at this point - my feelings are all confused and mixed up - it seems such a long time since I saw him and I can't help wondering how I'm going to feel when I finally do. I'm not sure whether I'm going to throw myself into his arms and let him hold me for ever or give him a good slap for what he's been up to since I went away.
Mr H isn't a lot of help here, other than giving me the news. I told him that I wanted to see him as soon as possible, but he says I've got to wait until he's actually down here, across the river, past the guard dog and all that. He says the rules won't allow me to appear before he gets all the way here. Personally, I think he's making it up as he goes along, but I can't really argue with him right now. He says that if I showed up before then I might distract him - either he'd lose concentration and mess things up or he'd take one look at me, see a dead body, change his mind, run away and not come back. Thanks for that, I thought - that gives me a lot of confidence about how things could go. So I try to get him to let me at least watch him do the business but make sure he doesn't see me, so I don't put him off. He's not keen, but he eventually gives in - but I've got to agree to stay invisible and that I won't try to attract his attention or cheat in any way at all and, what's more, he's going to come up with me to make sure I don't. Like I said, he makes it up as he goes along.
So off I go to get ready, put all my best stuff on - all the stuff I know he'll like and remember - and make sure the make-up's spot on after all, a girl's got to look her best, even when she is invisible - maybe especially when she is invisible - it's a confidence thing, don't ask.
When I manage to get to the river bank, he's already half way across - he's managed to charm the old guy who works the ferry even though he's not got the right money for the fare and he's very obviously not dead.
I find out afterwards that when he got to the place the ferry starts from he asked for a return ticket, which made the old guy nearly wet himself, because no-one ever gets one - he doesn't do them - at first he just thought it was a big laugh and that this guy didn't really understand the rules. So he let him on the boat, without having to pay, thinking to himself that he'd be in for a really nasty shock when he got to the other side,as it were. No way back, there for the duration. But during the crossing, though, they got into talking about things like music, life and death and he explained why he was coming down here and the old guy took pity on him ( and me, too) and promised he'd help him get back if he could - but the price of that was that he had to perform at a family do for him. I didn't ask what sort of do it was, or what the music would be - I just had a feeling it would be a bit weird all round, but that was his business - just as long as the deal held when it mattered, and that it was for two passengers, he could agree to whatever he liked.
Then he landed on the other side of the river and I got a good look at him for the first time for what felt like ages. It was really difficult not to let him know I was there - I had a terrible urge just to rush up to him and hold him so tight - and he looked so good, if a little thinner and rather tired - well, he had been travelling for a few days and was a bit - To be honest, it just brought back all the old feelings I had for him, and in my own mind I think I forgave him straight away for what had happened with Mrs Nobody - he must have been devastated by what happened to me- and I felt more than a bit guilty about what I'd put him through by doing that deal with the snakes and all that. Mr H must have read my thoughts and he nudged me to remind me of the deal I'd agreed to. No touching, no showing up. Not fair.
So now he's got his feet on dry land again, part one accomplished, and all he's got to do now is avoid getting chewed by the guard dog. The last person to try got turned into three portions of dog food, one for each head, and never made it any further - well, not alive, anyway.
So now it's the real test, and he's got to sing for his supper - well, more like sing not to be something else's supper, and I've got to just watch while it happens. He's off to a good start, obviously not lost the powers he had up there, and after a couple of minutes he's got two of the heads eating out of the palm of his hand. Unfortunately, head No 3 wants to eat the palm of his hand, the rest of his hand, and the rest of him too, and it's resisting his charms big style. I can see him pause to catch his breath, and he kind of gasps - there's not a lot of air down here, anyway, and if you add triple dog-breath to that, it's a bit of a shock to the system. As soon as he pauses, the two heads he's got all pacified suddenly join in with the other one and go for him again. He's losing ground rapidly, and I have to do something - so I have a quick decision to make - I can't appear, that would be against the rules and the deal I shook on, but I can throw sticks (and bones if need be) and that's just what I do. Two of the heads look round to see what's going on, and the other one goes back under his spell right away, and after a bit longer, he's managed to get all of them nodding to the beat like those dogs in the back window of cars. Mr H gives me a dirty look, but even he has to admit that was some charming act, one that no-one's managed before. So he heads off to the centre of the Underworld.
Now all he's got to do is finish the journey and meet up with Mr H and his other half to convince them to let me go with him. I'm having serious doubts about Mr H, so I play the last card I've got , and go and see Tony and get him to explain to the Ice Queen that her other half is trying to keep me down here because he fancies me, and see what that does.
For some reason, he's quite happy to do that for me, so we'll see what happens now. I go back to my place, and check how I look, then make my way to the centre for the big decision.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Tony and Eurydice
I said I'd tell you a bit more about Eurydice last time - I know a bit more about her than she thinks I do. Mr H took me on one side just after she arrived and asked me to take care of her, make sure she was OK, keep her on the rails - he had this idea that she was quite likely to get rescued and that if it didn't happen, she'd have really big problems coming to terms with it. I asked him why he was so keen, and he told me the whole story, the boyfriend, the snakes, the lot - including the fact that he quite fancied her himself, but didn't want anyone (well, Persephone for starters ) to find that out, otherwise the rescue might get a bit too much help, and he quite liked the idea of her being down here for a while.
What he didn't tell me, though, was that he wasn't the only immortal with an interest in her - or to be a bit more precise, an interest in her because of who she was with up there. It's amazing how many mortals manage to upset the gods without even realising it - take me for instance, yes I know I was having it off with someone else's wife, but she swore he wasn't bothered by stuff like that, so it was a bit of a nasty shock when he decided I needed a trip down here and that he was going to help me make the journey.
Anyway, it would appear that Eurydice's chap has really pissed off a god or goddess, possibly more than one even, so he / she / they want to make him as miserable as possible.
Since the campaign for mortal rights that kicked off when people got really upset about what the immortals got up to, there are now rules that stop them just going up there and dragging someone off to the Underworld. There are now loads of rules about everything - all about stopping gods infringing mortal rights or something - it was a trade-off they had to accept to keep their status as recipients of sacrifices and the other perks of the job.
Actually, the whole deal is quite interesting - for instance they are still allowed to take the form of animals, but now they're not allowed to have sex with mortals while they're in that form. That kind of makes sense in a way, modern morals being what they are - I was always a bit sceptical about that side of things - I don't really believe that women actually fancied swans or bulls enough to make babies with them - more than a few incompatibilities I reckon - so it's more likely that they knew what the score was. In other words, they had a very good idea who was hiding in the feathers or the leather and either played along with the pretence or just let it happen to them. If it all worked out, their kids would end up semi-immortal and so would be in a position to look after them when they got too old to trade on their good looks, which is often all they'd got to start with - well, they never seemed to have potential career prospects up there, seeing as how football hadn't really caught on, so there was no-one rich to marry unless you were royalty, which they usually weren't, as the gods tried their best not to upset rich people and kings, because they gave the best tribute.
Yes I know it seems odd - they can't screw mortals when they're in animal form, but they can kill them - like they did me. Apparently that was part of the deal - in the normal world, some animals do kill people so it's OK for the gods to do it too - but they've got to make it real - they can't turn into a giant mouse and bite someone's head off, for example.
So back to the Eurydice thing - I was quite surprised when she finally arrived - she wasn't supposed to be really dead, according to her plan ( the one Mr H talked me through) but there she was, seriously bereft of life. Naturally, she didn't believe that she was - well, not for a while anyway, but after a few days, when loverboy didn't show - not a good advertisement for the male gender, that, promising to go to the gates of hell and beyond, then, when the chips are down, not going any further than next door's garden gate and messing around with Mrs Nobody - anyway, when he didn't show straight away, and she realised this could be for real ( I think the post mortem and funeral helped) she kind of went off the rails a bit - as predicted - and I got called in to sort the mess out.
Obviously, the first thing she does is fall for me. Happens every time - nothing I can do about it - but I actually fancy her a bit too, for once. If I'm stuck here four months a year, it would be nice to have a bit more choice than the Queen of the Dead - a right drama queen of the dead, if you ask me - for someone who's married to someone else, she doesn't half get possessive when it suits. And these days, that's all the time I'm down here. So a distraction, an attractive one at that, might be quite nice.
That's why, when she makes it clear at the first session that she's interested, I play along. I tell her that her reaction to being unexpectedly dead is completely normal, when in fact it's seriously off the scale - no-one else I've ever met has kicked up quite that much fuss, even the stroppiest of the neo-dead - and then I arrange to meet her later on. And as usual, I make up a story about being held up to see how keen they really are - they usually wait for as long as it takes, and if not, I say goodbye ( nicely) but not her - she blows me out ! And in public too! No-one's ever done that to me before, and that makes me even more interested in her.
So then I tell her the story of my life - so far - hoping to get a reaction - but after all that she still seems less interested in me than in him up there. She's obviously smitten with him, so after a bit of a battle with my conscience, I decide to help her. Well, she is a nice person, someone who deserves better than what's happening to her now. And if it doesn't work out for her, at least she thinks I'm a good guy - that might pay off in the longer term. I didn't realise I was so cynical and manipulative until now, now I'm writing it all down.
So I tell her I know a bit about the ins and outs of being rescued - well it has happened to me once a year for quite some time now - and I promise to share a few tips with him up there (once he shows up) about how to do it, so they both end up alive and out of here.
Now all we've got to do is wait for him to get here and try.
What he didn't tell me, though, was that he wasn't the only immortal with an interest in her - or to be a bit more precise, an interest in her because of who she was with up there. It's amazing how many mortals manage to upset the gods without even realising it - take me for instance, yes I know I was having it off with someone else's wife, but she swore he wasn't bothered by stuff like that, so it was a bit of a nasty shock when he decided I needed a trip down here and that he was going to help me make the journey.
Anyway, it would appear that Eurydice's chap has really pissed off a god or goddess, possibly more than one even, so he / she / they want to make him as miserable as possible.
Since the campaign for mortal rights that kicked off when people got really upset about what the immortals got up to, there are now rules that stop them just going up there and dragging someone off to the Underworld. There are now loads of rules about everything - all about stopping gods infringing mortal rights or something - it was a trade-off they had to accept to keep their status as recipients of sacrifices and the other perks of the job.
Actually, the whole deal is quite interesting - for instance they are still allowed to take the form of animals, but now they're not allowed to have sex with mortals while they're in that form. That kind of makes sense in a way, modern morals being what they are - I was always a bit sceptical about that side of things - I don't really believe that women actually fancied swans or bulls enough to make babies with them - more than a few incompatibilities I reckon - so it's more likely that they knew what the score was. In other words, they had a very good idea who was hiding in the feathers or the leather and either played along with the pretence or just let it happen to them. If it all worked out, their kids would end up semi-immortal and so would be in a position to look after them when they got too old to trade on their good looks, which is often all they'd got to start with - well, they never seemed to have potential career prospects up there, seeing as how football hadn't really caught on, so there was no-one rich to marry unless you were royalty, which they usually weren't, as the gods tried their best not to upset rich people and kings, because they gave the best tribute.
Yes I know it seems odd - they can't screw mortals when they're in animal form, but they can kill them - like they did me. Apparently that was part of the deal - in the normal world, some animals do kill people so it's OK for the gods to do it too - but they've got to make it real - they can't turn into a giant mouse and bite someone's head off, for example.
So back to the Eurydice thing - I was quite surprised when she finally arrived - she wasn't supposed to be really dead, according to her plan ( the one Mr H talked me through) but there she was, seriously bereft of life. Naturally, she didn't believe that she was - well, not for a while anyway, but after a few days, when loverboy didn't show - not a good advertisement for the male gender, that, promising to go to the gates of hell and beyond, then, when the chips are down, not going any further than next door's garden gate and messing around with Mrs Nobody - anyway, when he didn't show straight away, and she realised this could be for real ( I think the post mortem and funeral helped) she kind of went off the rails a bit - as predicted - and I got called in to sort the mess out.
Obviously, the first thing she does is fall for me. Happens every time - nothing I can do about it - but I actually fancy her a bit too, for once. If I'm stuck here four months a year, it would be nice to have a bit more choice than the Queen of the Dead - a right drama queen of the dead, if you ask me - for someone who's married to someone else, she doesn't half get possessive when it suits. And these days, that's all the time I'm down here. So a distraction, an attractive one at that, might be quite nice.
That's why, when she makes it clear at the first session that she's interested, I play along. I tell her that her reaction to being unexpectedly dead is completely normal, when in fact it's seriously off the scale - no-one else I've ever met has kicked up quite that much fuss, even the stroppiest of the neo-dead - and then I arrange to meet her later on. And as usual, I make up a story about being held up to see how keen they really are - they usually wait for as long as it takes, and if not, I say goodbye ( nicely) but not her - she blows me out ! And in public too! No-one's ever done that to me before, and that makes me even more interested in her.
So then I tell her the story of my life - so far - hoping to get a reaction - but after all that she still seems less interested in me than in him up there. She's obviously smitten with him, so after a bit of a battle with my conscience, I decide to help her. Well, she is a nice person, someone who deserves better than what's happening to her now. And if it doesn't work out for her, at least she thinks I'm a good guy - that might pay off in the longer term. I didn't realise I was so cynical and manipulative until now, now I'm writing it all down.
So I tell her I know a bit about the ins and outs of being rescued - well it has happened to me once a year for quite some time now - and I promise to share a few tips with him up there (once he shows up) about how to do it, so they both end up alive and out of here.
Now all we've got to do is wait for him to get here and try.
How I ended up here - Tony's version
You may well be wondering how I ended up down here, doing counselling sessions for people who don't realise that they're dead. There are quite a few of them, believe me, the neo-dead, and they can really disrupt the place. They're never satisfied with being dead, they expect things to be the same as when they were alive, and so they stir up trouble and make the really dead people unhappy, which is not what we want down here. I used to be one of them myself, which is probably why I ended up with the job I've got, though my relationship with the Queen of the Dead might have helped a bit in getting me the smart offices and all that.
So what can I tell you about me ? How did I get here and why ? More to the point, why am I not that bothered about being dead - could it be because I'm not always like that ?
Let's get on with the story. I'm told that there was quite a lot going on before I was born, something to do with fathers, daughters and trees, but I decided it's better not to ask too many questions. There's a lot of things it's better not knowing too much about, believe me.
For me, it all started when Aphrodite decided she fancied me. I was pretty young at the time, and up until she decided to take an interest I was still fairly innocent - I'd had the odd schoolboy crush, the usual sort of thing. So when someone comes along who is immortal, beautiful and everything anyone could want, ever, well there really isn't any competition, is there ? What's more, she knew it too. Maybe she took advantage - no, it isn't a maybe, she definitely did, but I wasn't complaining at the time. Goddesses have a way of making you feel wanted, while at the same time making it pretty clear that you don't really have a say in it.
And in this case, as we're talking about the goddess of love, no say whatsoever. She makes all the rules anyway, and, not surprisingly, she knows how to use them to suit herself when she wants to. And she's pretty attractive too, given how old she really is. I would point out that her age is not something you'd talk to her about, and not a question you'd ask her either, not if you want to stay alive for long, that is. That seems to be one of the main advantages of being immortal - you decide how old you want to be and that's always how old you seem to be.
The only problem was that, like all the other gods ( except maybe Athena and Apollo) she was already married. And who was she married to ? Ares . Yes. Well. You wouldn't normally pick a quarrel, never mind a fight, with the god of War, not unless you've got a serious death wish. He's not exactly a shrinking violet when it comes to getting a fight started - it seems to be the main part of his job description. Well it would be, wouldn't it ? He is the God of War after all.
He must be a real hoot at parties - you can imagine the conversation- "So what do you do ? "
" Me ? I'm the god of war and battles, I start wars and other things that kill people. Lots of people. Fancy a fight ?"
bit of a conversation stopper that one.
I've even heard a rumour he sometimes wears a t-shirt that says "Come and have a go if you think you and your army are hard enough" which he thinks is dead funny. Bad sense of humour there. Bet he doesn't get any takers, either. I certainly wouldn't argue with him, but seeing as that's who her other half was, I didn't really have a choice there either. Given what was going on it was obvious that he was going to argue with me.
I will admit it was one of the first things I asked her about, given that I'm quite fond of staying alive - whether he'd be bothered about what she was planning to do - but she said he was usually far too busy doing other things (like starting wars, getting involved in wars, watching people getting killed, that sort of stuff ) to be that bothered, and that anyway they did have an understanding about her "needs" too, that meant she could do pretty much what she wanted with who she wanted.
Maybe she didn't quite get that bit quite right, though. That becomes rather obvious a bit later on.
So there I was, the mortal beloved of a goddess. It's good for the ego, but very bad for the soul, because you don't have any say in what happens. She wanted me, she's the goddess of love, I'm a mortal, she gets what she wants - that's all there is to it.
We had some quite nice times, all things being equal, I wouldn't complain at all. You don't get to be the goddess of love without knowing how to do things properly, and she certainly made my life interesting - even though I didn't have any choice about it. That can be quite attractive at times too. So all this has been going on for several months, everything seems fine, when all of a sudden he finds out about my existence and what's going on, and, not surprisingly, doesn't like the fact that she's much more into me than she is into him. Quite understandable that she would be, if you ask me, given how cute everyone says I am. Not that he would understand that, of course.
As far as he's concerned, I'm up to no good with his wife and I've got to pay for it, preferably with pain, suffering, blood and death but not necessarily in that order. Not a position you'd choose to find yourself in, if you had a choice, that is.
Now this is the point where it all starts getting a bit complicated.
Because she was scared something might happen to me, with good reason - and it wouldn't be an accident, although it might look that way - she knew he used to do deals with the other gods and goddesses, like hiring them as hitmen,for example, and she knew that Artemis is a bit of a deadeye with a bow and arrow, and that hunting accidents are fairly common - she decided to pack me up in a trunk and send me off to her best mate so that I'd be safe. As it turned out, this wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. Her best mate spends six months of every year ruling the underworld. Her name's Persephone (why should that surprise you?) and she was (as fate would happen) getting a bit fed up of it all, getting a bit bored of hanging around with dead people all the time she's down there. Mr H isn't a big bundle of laughs either, he's a bit busy ruling the place, taking the guard dog for long walks and sorting out problems, so she's getting a bit bored of him too. So I arrive on her doorstep out of the blue, she opens the box, and guess what? She falls for me too. Why am I not surprised ? I seem to have this effect on the opposite sex, without even trying. It's a mixed blessing, believe me. I know quite a few people who'd really like that, but trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. If you fancy someone back, it's great, but that can't happen all the time - there's a lot of girls out there who you wouldn't want falling for you - especially as they end up being obsessed, and following you around. Anyway, although Persephone's not quite as cute as Aphrodite, she is a goddess in her own right too, and that makes a difference. OK, so she's a bit chilly at times, but I'm not going to turn her down, am I ? As if I could, anyway. Once again, as I explained before, she's a goddess, I'm a mortal, I don't really have a say in it. What's more, I'm down here in the underworld, which is her territory, and you don't need enemies down here, that's the last thing you need !
And, why am I not surprised, she's married. And this time it's the god of the dead - great - I've got war and death to choose between upsetting - and what is more, surprisingly, he's not the happiest of bunnies about his wife falling for a cute kid that her best mate's sent her to look after.
So I'm feeling like I'm Mr Unpopular with the gods, but Mr Irresistible with the goddesses. I can live with this, I suppose, but it certainly doesn't make things any easier for me. Half of them want my body and the other half want my body dead. Very dead. So I have to be very, very careful.
Anyway, after a month or three, her up there gets wind of what's going on and comes down here to make a scene. And that's one hell of a scene. You would not think they were ever on speaking terms, never mind best friends. Ouch !
Well, having two goddesses fighting over you is kind of fun, but there is always the risk they'll take half each - and I mean physically - and that might just hurt a bit. Fortunately they both want me in one piece too much to try that one. So in the end, to make the peace, because all the dead people down here are complaining they can't get the rest they've been promised, they get the top guy, Zeus, to come down and referee it and make the call. So he arrives, has a bit of a think and comes up with this idea. He asks one of the muses, Calliope I think her name was, to come up with the answer, and says he'll back whatever it is she says needs to happen.
So she works out that Persephone's stuck down here for 6 months out of 12, and that Mr H isn't too keen on having me around all of that time (although he is more tolerant than his mate the God of War) so there's no way Im going to end up down here for half the year as well. She also works out that Persephone won't let me not be here for at least some of the time she's down here. So she decides the sensible thing is to split things three ways - which she works out as 4 months down here with Persephone and 4 months up there with Aphrodite. That can't be too bad, can it? Plus she decided to let me choose where I was for the last third - I reckon she felt that I'd been goddessed a bit too much, and had absolutely no choice about things, so far. Zeus obviously thought a bit of male solidarity was appropriate in the circumstances, so he made them agree to it. Nice one.
So now I've got to make a choice for the odd thirds. You tell me - if you had a choice between the goddess of love, sunlight and fresh air and the queen of the dead, darkness and gloom for 4 months, which would you go for? Same as me then. So that works out as 8 months up top and 4 months down here.
Neither of them is totally over the moon about this, especially her down here, because she thinks she's lost out, but they both seem to accept it, at least for now. Both the husbands seem to as well. So for a while everything seems to be going just fine again, well for me at least, but then the god of war gets involved again, and how. He decides he's had enough, it wasn't his idea to let me spend two thirds of the year with his wife anyway, and now he's not going to go for these arrangements, he's going to go for me instead and start his own war - with me.
I thought they had an understanding about stuff like this, like she told me, but he thought otherwise. Like I said, he didn't understand. He's determined to sort me out once and for all - and he's clear that that sorting out isn't going to be something I'm going to like. So off he goes and changes himself into a wild boar (one of his favourite changes) and then he goes looking for me.
Now like an idiot, I've gone out hunting, which is one of my favourite hobbies - and what's even stupider, I'm hunting for wild boar, even though I've been told by her up there that it's not a smart move (for obvious reasons that she didn't explain and I didn't get until too late)
He comes running at me with malice aforethought, and although I get him with my spear, he gets me with his tusks. And as I'm mortal and he isn't, you don't have to think too much about it to work out which of us ends up dead. That's right, it's me. Very painful, lots of blood, not exactly quick either. So there I am, stone cold dead.
That makes him very happy. Aphrodite isn't too pleased about this, obviously. Someone is going to pay for this, in her book, so she swears revenge on everyone involved, and, to make sure I'm remembered, uses my blood to make some flowers. Quite cute, but I'd rather be alive than be a bouquet. Anyway, after a while, once she's calmed down a bit (which took some time) she tries to cut a deal with Mr H. She knows that although Persephone would be quite happy for me to be down there all the time, he wouldn't be. He's OK for her to be distracted some of the time (I can see why, she does get a bit heavy about things) but he does want some time with her on his own as well.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that the gods do another deal and I kind of get semi-immortal status - which is an improvement on being dead, but it still means I have to die every year - usually in some painful way that involves bleeding a lot ( that's down to Ares) and I still have to spend 4 months down here (Persephone) , but I get rescued by Aphrodite once a year and get brought back to life for four months. And I still get to choose where I go for the other 4 months, including whether I'm alive or dead. You don't have to guess which I choose.
So for me that's mostly OK except for the getting killed bit, but since the alternative is being permanently dead, I agree to it. Choice ? Maybe not, but it feels like I might have. So that's why I'm down here now.
But that doesn't explain how I got to do this counselling stuff, does it ?
One time, while I'm down here, Mr H has a bit of a chat with me - he reckons it would be good for the place if there was someone who was able to work with people who aren't really dead yet, or who don't think they are, and who might get rescued, so that they understand what it's all about - apparently there's quite a few who seem to be here by mistake and who take a while to realise that they are dead, since most of them don't get rescued in the end, in spite of promises that they will.
From his point of view the added bonus is that it keeps me away from his wife for at least some of the time I'm down here, although she does still keep me on a short leash because she still has the hots for me, and she doesn't want me going off with someone else - for her, it's bad enough having to share me with her up there. Since most of the people I get to work with are female and find me irresistible to start with, this usually confuses them about being rescued by their blokes. Not that this is my choice - it just always happens that way. Like Eurydice, for instance. Let's leave it at that for now - I'll fill in the gaps later.
So what can I tell you about me ? How did I get here and why ? More to the point, why am I not that bothered about being dead - could it be because I'm not always like that ?
Let's get on with the story. I'm told that there was quite a lot going on before I was born, something to do with fathers, daughters and trees, but I decided it's better not to ask too many questions. There's a lot of things it's better not knowing too much about, believe me.
For me, it all started when Aphrodite decided she fancied me. I was pretty young at the time, and up until she decided to take an interest I was still fairly innocent - I'd had the odd schoolboy crush, the usual sort of thing. So when someone comes along who is immortal, beautiful and everything anyone could want, ever, well there really isn't any competition, is there ? What's more, she knew it too. Maybe she took advantage - no, it isn't a maybe, she definitely did, but I wasn't complaining at the time. Goddesses have a way of making you feel wanted, while at the same time making it pretty clear that you don't really have a say in it.
And in this case, as we're talking about the goddess of love, no say whatsoever. She makes all the rules anyway, and, not surprisingly, she knows how to use them to suit herself when she wants to. And she's pretty attractive too, given how old she really is. I would point out that her age is not something you'd talk to her about, and not a question you'd ask her either, not if you want to stay alive for long, that is. That seems to be one of the main advantages of being immortal - you decide how old you want to be and that's always how old you seem to be.
The only problem was that, like all the other gods ( except maybe Athena and Apollo) she was already married. And who was she married to ? Ares . Yes. Well. You wouldn't normally pick a quarrel, never mind a fight, with the god of War, not unless you've got a serious death wish. He's not exactly a shrinking violet when it comes to getting a fight started - it seems to be the main part of his job description. Well it would be, wouldn't it ? He is the God of War after all.
He must be a real hoot at parties - you can imagine the conversation- "So what do you do ? "
" Me ? I'm the god of war and battles, I start wars and other things that kill people. Lots of people. Fancy a fight ?"
bit of a conversation stopper that one.
I've even heard a rumour he sometimes wears a t-shirt that says "Come and have a go if you think you and your army are hard enough" which he thinks is dead funny. Bad sense of humour there. Bet he doesn't get any takers, either. I certainly wouldn't argue with him, but seeing as that's who her other half was, I didn't really have a choice there either. Given what was going on it was obvious that he was going to argue with me.
I will admit it was one of the first things I asked her about, given that I'm quite fond of staying alive - whether he'd be bothered about what she was planning to do - but she said he was usually far too busy doing other things (like starting wars, getting involved in wars, watching people getting killed, that sort of stuff ) to be that bothered, and that anyway they did have an understanding about her "needs" too, that meant she could do pretty much what she wanted with who she wanted.
Maybe she didn't quite get that bit quite right, though. That becomes rather obvious a bit later on.
So there I was, the mortal beloved of a goddess. It's good for the ego, but very bad for the soul, because you don't have any say in what happens. She wanted me, she's the goddess of love, I'm a mortal, she gets what she wants - that's all there is to it.
We had some quite nice times, all things being equal, I wouldn't complain at all. You don't get to be the goddess of love without knowing how to do things properly, and she certainly made my life interesting - even though I didn't have any choice about it. That can be quite attractive at times too. So all this has been going on for several months, everything seems fine, when all of a sudden he finds out about my existence and what's going on, and, not surprisingly, doesn't like the fact that she's much more into me than she is into him. Quite understandable that she would be, if you ask me, given how cute everyone says I am. Not that he would understand that, of course.
As far as he's concerned, I'm up to no good with his wife and I've got to pay for it, preferably with pain, suffering, blood and death but not necessarily in that order. Not a position you'd choose to find yourself in, if you had a choice, that is.
Now this is the point where it all starts getting a bit complicated.
Because she was scared something might happen to me, with good reason - and it wouldn't be an accident, although it might look that way - she knew he used to do deals with the other gods and goddesses, like hiring them as hitmen,for example, and she knew that Artemis is a bit of a deadeye with a bow and arrow, and that hunting accidents are fairly common - she decided to pack me up in a trunk and send me off to her best mate so that I'd be safe. As it turned out, this wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. Her best mate spends six months of every year ruling the underworld. Her name's Persephone (why should that surprise you?) and she was (as fate would happen) getting a bit fed up of it all, getting a bit bored of hanging around with dead people all the time she's down there. Mr H isn't a big bundle of laughs either, he's a bit busy ruling the place, taking the guard dog for long walks and sorting out problems, so she's getting a bit bored of him too. So I arrive on her doorstep out of the blue, she opens the box, and guess what? She falls for me too. Why am I not surprised ? I seem to have this effect on the opposite sex, without even trying. It's a mixed blessing, believe me. I know quite a few people who'd really like that, but trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. If you fancy someone back, it's great, but that can't happen all the time - there's a lot of girls out there who you wouldn't want falling for you - especially as they end up being obsessed, and following you around. Anyway, although Persephone's not quite as cute as Aphrodite, she is a goddess in her own right too, and that makes a difference. OK, so she's a bit chilly at times, but I'm not going to turn her down, am I ? As if I could, anyway. Once again, as I explained before, she's a goddess, I'm a mortal, I don't really have a say in it. What's more, I'm down here in the underworld, which is her territory, and you don't need enemies down here, that's the last thing you need !
And, why am I not surprised, she's married. And this time it's the god of the dead - great - I've got war and death to choose between upsetting - and what is more, surprisingly, he's not the happiest of bunnies about his wife falling for a cute kid that her best mate's sent her to look after.
So I'm feeling like I'm Mr Unpopular with the gods, but Mr Irresistible with the goddesses. I can live with this, I suppose, but it certainly doesn't make things any easier for me. Half of them want my body and the other half want my body dead. Very dead. So I have to be very, very careful.
Anyway, after a month or three, her up there gets wind of what's going on and comes down here to make a scene. And that's one hell of a scene. You would not think they were ever on speaking terms, never mind best friends. Ouch !
Well, having two goddesses fighting over you is kind of fun, but there is always the risk they'll take half each - and I mean physically - and that might just hurt a bit. Fortunately they both want me in one piece too much to try that one. So in the end, to make the peace, because all the dead people down here are complaining they can't get the rest they've been promised, they get the top guy, Zeus, to come down and referee it and make the call. So he arrives, has a bit of a think and comes up with this idea. He asks one of the muses, Calliope I think her name was, to come up with the answer, and says he'll back whatever it is she says needs to happen.
So she works out that Persephone's stuck down here for 6 months out of 12, and that Mr H isn't too keen on having me around all of that time (although he is more tolerant than his mate the God of War) so there's no way Im going to end up down here for half the year as well. She also works out that Persephone won't let me not be here for at least some of the time she's down here. So she decides the sensible thing is to split things three ways - which she works out as 4 months down here with Persephone and 4 months up there with Aphrodite. That can't be too bad, can it? Plus she decided to let me choose where I was for the last third - I reckon she felt that I'd been goddessed a bit too much, and had absolutely no choice about things, so far. Zeus obviously thought a bit of male solidarity was appropriate in the circumstances, so he made them agree to it. Nice one.
So now I've got to make a choice for the odd thirds. You tell me - if you had a choice between the goddess of love, sunlight and fresh air and the queen of the dead, darkness and gloom for 4 months, which would you go for? Same as me then. So that works out as 8 months up top and 4 months down here.
Neither of them is totally over the moon about this, especially her down here, because she thinks she's lost out, but they both seem to accept it, at least for now. Both the husbands seem to as well. So for a while everything seems to be going just fine again, well for me at least, but then the god of war gets involved again, and how. He decides he's had enough, it wasn't his idea to let me spend two thirds of the year with his wife anyway, and now he's not going to go for these arrangements, he's going to go for me instead and start his own war - with me.
I thought they had an understanding about stuff like this, like she told me, but he thought otherwise. Like I said, he didn't understand. He's determined to sort me out once and for all - and he's clear that that sorting out isn't going to be something I'm going to like. So off he goes and changes himself into a wild boar (one of his favourite changes) and then he goes looking for me.
Now like an idiot, I've gone out hunting, which is one of my favourite hobbies - and what's even stupider, I'm hunting for wild boar, even though I've been told by her up there that it's not a smart move (for obvious reasons that she didn't explain and I didn't get until too late)
He comes running at me with malice aforethought, and although I get him with my spear, he gets me with his tusks. And as I'm mortal and he isn't, you don't have to think too much about it to work out which of us ends up dead. That's right, it's me. Very painful, lots of blood, not exactly quick either. So there I am, stone cold dead.
That makes him very happy. Aphrodite isn't too pleased about this, obviously. Someone is going to pay for this, in her book, so she swears revenge on everyone involved, and, to make sure I'm remembered, uses my blood to make some flowers. Quite cute, but I'd rather be alive than be a bouquet. Anyway, after a while, once she's calmed down a bit (which took some time) she tries to cut a deal with Mr H. She knows that although Persephone would be quite happy for me to be down there all the time, he wouldn't be. He's OK for her to be distracted some of the time (I can see why, she does get a bit heavy about things) but he does want some time with her on his own as well.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that the gods do another deal and I kind of get semi-immortal status - which is an improvement on being dead, but it still means I have to die every year - usually in some painful way that involves bleeding a lot ( that's down to Ares) and I still have to spend 4 months down here (Persephone) , but I get rescued by Aphrodite once a year and get brought back to life for four months. And I still get to choose where I go for the other 4 months, including whether I'm alive or dead. You don't have to guess which I choose.
So for me that's mostly OK except for the getting killed bit, but since the alternative is being permanently dead, I agree to it. Choice ? Maybe not, but it feels like I might have. So that's why I'm down here now.
But that doesn't explain how I got to do this counselling stuff, does it ?
One time, while I'm down here, Mr H has a bit of a chat with me - he reckons it would be good for the place if there was someone who was able to work with people who aren't really dead yet, or who don't think they are, and who might get rescued, so that they understand what it's all about - apparently there's quite a few who seem to be here by mistake and who take a while to realise that they are dead, since most of them don't get rescued in the end, in spite of promises that they will.
From his point of view the added bonus is that it keeps me away from his wife for at least some of the time I'm down here, although she does still keep me on a short leash because she still has the hots for me, and she doesn't want me going off with someone else - for her, it's bad enough having to share me with her up there. Since most of the people I get to work with are female and find me irresistible to start with, this usually confuses them about being rescued by their blokes. Not that this is my choice - it just always happens that way. Like Eurydice, for instance. Let's leave it at that for now - I'll fill in the gaps later.
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