Bereavement Counselling - Crap or What

So I have to go back down there, down with all the dead people - which I don't think is me - not at all - and what's the first thing I get ? A message asking me ( telling me, really) to report to the Support and Readjustment Team. It would seem that my behaviour at the funeral has ruffled a few feathers up top and they want to find out what it's all about. They want to help me adjust to my "new situation". This doesn't look promising to me, not at all.
So I get there and they sit me down, ask me if I'd like a drink - like at the f**king hairdressers, and then they proceed to ask me if I'm having difficulty coming to terms with death. Do I want to talk about it ? Yeah of course I do - ( I do not!)
Obviously, my behaviour at my funeral was not "normal" for dead people so I must need some help to sort my afterlife out, or I won't get the full enjoyment of the Elysian Fields - they talk like it's some sort of holiday destination - the Disneyworld of death, Alton Towers for the recently deceased - as opposed to a piece of lawn where dead people hang out because there's f*ck all else to do. Nice. Even if I was really dead, I'd still kill myself before I'd go there - it seems to me like what I've heard a Saga holiday is like - no loud music, no staying up late, no fun. You might frighten the ghosts. I know you can never be older than when you die, but I was young, ( still am, I think) so I'm sure as hell not ready to settle for acceptance and stagnation.

So what do they offer me ? Bereavement Counselling, I thought that was to help people who are still alive "come to terms with their loss of a loved one" well, that's what the advert said. Apparently, down here it's also for recently dead people to help them come to terms with not being alive! People like me, in other words. I am not looking forward to this one little bit.

So first off, they apologise for keeping me waiting - apparently, they like to start within 24 hours (or less) of a "bereavement experiential incident" - which is their way of saying you've died - because they try to help dead people adjust to the transition into the afterlife. Crap. They say that I'm currently in Asphodel - wherever that is - where you hang around until someone decides where you go. Sounds a bit like a crap hotel on Corfu to me - or some sort of laxative - crap in every sense !

They tell me there was a delay in starting to respond for me because there was a "rescue promise" on their files that meant I might have been out of here before they could start on me. But seeing as how it hasn't happened -which apparently is quite common - they think it's time for me to get some help with my adjustment. I'd like to adjust them with a spanner or something heavy around the head, but they can't see that.

Anyway, it would appear that I've got to learn to accept death into my life. Got to get used to the idea of being a dead person and not fight change. Change, they say, is good - it means progress, moving on, coming to terms with things. Crap. I don't think I'm dead, so why accept it ? I tell them this, but it doesn't seem to sink in much. They reckon I'm just angry - and that once I accept death as a friend, which will happen, they assure me, then I will move on and be a true dead person.
So once all that bullshit's out of the way, they tell me they want to find me a counsellor who they think can help me come to terms with my anger and move on - to be a helpful resident of the Fields, as they call them. What if I don't want to go there, I ask ? The question fazes them a bit - as in why wouldn't you want to?
Life ( and death) are far too short to explain that to them now - and I don't think they'd get it - so I decide to just go with whatever flow there is. They think that I'm beginning to accept it (death) and start smiling at each other. Nice teeth. Like the Osmonds a bit, but without the jumpsuits.
So counselling - exactly what is the point, I ask you, in my circumstances ? Nothing they can do to help me, except with "coming to terms " with it all. Which I don't want to. In my personal view, it's a waste of time - and an expensive one at that. I'm not intending to stay dead long enough to need it.
In my experience, you usually end up talking to counsellors until you are blue in the face and still nothing happens - actually down here, that's quite common, turning blue in the face, that is. I think they call it cyanosis or something.
So you have to ask yourself - what motivation can you have when you're dead ? A better life for dead people ? Things for dead people to do during the day ? End discrimination against dead people? - it seems that for some reason it's really hard to hold down a job after you've died - you tend to get replaced. That's a surprise ! Would you believe that there's a campaign going to keep some jobs open for dead people for a while ? Dead people are getting angry about it, they tell me. Wow ! There's a campaign with a point, isn't it!

Anyway, they sit me down with this wimpy bloke who looks like he doesn't need to shave on account of not growing a proper beard yet - who asks me to "tell him all about it" so I try but he keeps stopping me and asking " and how did that make you feel ?" - f*cking hell, if I had a navel ( the post mortem kind of lost it, I think) I'd be spending all my time looking at it if he had his way. And telling you what colour the fluff was. So I say, it just made me feel kind of pissed off. And he says, weren't you concerned about how your anger might affect those still alive, who might not understand, that they might be traumatised by it? And I say no, f*ck them, they're still alive, after all, they can at least get used to it - me, I've got no option right now. He doesn't look like a happy bunny at this point. Not what he expected,I don't think.
After about an hour of this chat he tells me that he doesn't think I'm suitable for this type of counselling. That he's finding it difficult to develop the right sort of "therapeutic relationship" to help me let go of my anger and move on.
Hooray, I think - now I can get out of here. But no, he tells me they've got someone who specialises in this sort of thing, and they'll make me an appointment for later on. Tells me the guy's name is Tony, and he knows how it feels, apparently.
Me? sceptical - more than a bit. It's all bollocks anyway, this Tony guy's probably just another way of getting me to calm down and not rock the ferryboat across the Styx. Yes, so three people fell into the river last time I was on board, but I was wound up by that Penny, so I think it wasn't my fault. Honest.
Got an appointment with Tony tomorrow, unless his lordship turns up before then to rescue me. I'm not holding my breath for that.
Going to go and have a check up on what's happening up there, and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.