So the story begins - reflections on dying by mistake

You may think I am very stupid, or fickle, or lacking in trust, but now I've paid the price - I died, in spite of it all, when all I wanted to do was test his love for me. It just went wrong, somehow
He was really something special - a musician - he wrote tunes that could literally charm the birds from the trees - and I mean really he could. It was a bit of a pain at times, there he'd be, singing and playing to me, and all of a sudden a flock of birds would start flying round his head. Now I don't mind most living things, but a lot of birds are a bit like moths - they fly into things, windows in particular.
So you get the picture - there I am being serenaded at twilight by Mr Cute / talented / sex on legs / whatever - singing songs about how much he loves me, wants me, how he can hardly wait, and there am I getting all expectant when whack! bang! thud! - three starlings or thrushes or blackbirds or nightingales or something -they all look and sound the same to me - fly straight into the patio doors and fall down dead as doornails on my veranda. Kills the moment a bit, I'm sure you'd agree. Kills them, too, but that's their fault, not mine. Stupid things.
Anyway, to cut a long story a bit shorter, this starts getting a regular occurrence, except it's not always birds - last week it was horses - the week before it was wild goats and yesterday it was mice. Yes, that's right, small furry smelly things that make you jump and stand on chairs. I will admit to being a wimp and actually being afraid of them - well, one would be OK, but 2,000 of them - apart from the fact they all crapped on my best carpet, they covered it - looked like the damn thing was alive - a heaving, wriggling, writhing mass of grey and brown ( yes, both sorts of mice, he's not picky)
All I can say is thank God I'm not having it off with the Pied Piper - the music might be melodic and haunting, but I don't think I'd cope with the rats ! They seem to come with the territory.

So he told me that he has the gift to charm wild beasts with his music. Great, I said, can you charm them to f**k off until we've finished what we're doing ?
He said, unfortunately that's not how the gift works. They come in response to the music, and go away when it stops.
What's the damn point in a gift like that, I said, you'd think that your fairy godfather, Apollo, or someone else up there that you get on so well with, would have given you a bit more control over the effect your music has - yes I know you pulled me with it, but I'm not keen on sharing the house with lions or wolves - and what if one of your tunes is particularly attractive to wasps - it's quite possible, don't laugh - how would I cope with a houseful of the yellow and black stinging bastards ? Just don't go there, I said.
I think he was a bit miffed with me, for criticising his dad / stepdad whatever - he says it's Apollo, but you never can tell with these musical types - they'd tell you anything to get off with you, that's what they do. Oh, did you realise my dad's a God ? Don't fall for it - it's just another chat-up line aimed at getting their wicked way with you. Ask them to turn into a swan or something and they soon change their tune - Oh no, he isn't the transforming sort of god, just the having sex with women sort - yeah, right - load of bollocks!

Anyway, so some time back I told you I was dead. Major cock-up - not part of my plans at all.
So how did it happen?
Maybe things would have worked out differently if it hadn't been for our neighbour Penny. Her other half was never home - she said he was away at a war or something, and was having a bit of trouble getting back. Yeah, right, Penny - nothing to do with having the hots for any witch, nymph or demi-goddess that flashed her eyes / thighs or other bits at him.... I mean, how credible is all your mates turning into pigs because this bit of stuff fancies you - and how exactly does that stop you getting home from work? Or some guff about being enchanted and spending ages on a desert island - I always thought a calypso was some sort of West Indian music ( an exotic tart more likely) anyway, her other half never seemed to make it back from the bar after a night out with the lads (or pigs) - well, that does seem apt, looking back on it.
So there's Penny, all alone and wanting company, and he takes pity on her and does her a quick song - nothing spectacular, just a bit about staying friends and not wanting to be distracted, but she takes it all the wrong way and thinks he fancies her. Well, apart from the fact that her other half goes in for killing people who fancy his wife and try it on - apparently he's a bit of a dead shot with a spear and rather touchy about things, it's taking the piss, really.
So I say - cut it out or we're history, matey, and he comes across all sorry, tries to explain that it's all part of the gift, and that neither of them can help it. So I say to him you'll be singing in a much higher pitch if you try to unwrap your gift with that slapper Penny - you get my drift?
He goes all hurt and tells me I've got it wrong - that it's me he wants and always will and that he would go through the gates of hell for me if necessary, he loves me that much.
Well, that gets me thinking, doesn't it. I actually know Hades (well a friend of mine used to work for him), so I think why not test him out - see if he's all talk and no trousers. So I get on the phone to my mate, and ask him to fix me up an apppointment with the man downstairs as they call him. From what I remember, he used to fancy me a bit - so it's no big surprise when he calls me back and asks me to come and see him, asking me to dress up for the occasion.
So I do, and go downtown to this club place. Doorman's a bit heavy - so's the guard dog - looks like he's got more than one head - cross between a Rottweiler and god knows what, but anyway, they let me in and I get to see him. Have to stop him giving me a grope when I see him, so it's obvious that he's still interested. although I'm really not that keen - he's just a means to an end.
I explain that I've got this boyfriend and that everyone else seems to fancy him - that although he says he loves me, I'm not certain he's not having it off with all the other girls he charms with his songs, and I tell him about this thing about going to the gates of hell to bring me back. He laughs at that and says I bet he wouldn't last a minute with the guard dog, never mind with me - but if you want to try him out, because it's you, here's the deal. So he explains it all to me.

Time to break now - the story is now up and running....