The last thing I said to you was about blackness and nothing. That just about sums it up. Oh, and possibly feeling more than a bit pissed off that the snake had bitten me too hard - it was just supposed to knock me out for a day or so. That pissed-offness went though, into the blackness and nothing bit. So now here I am feeling a little bit lost and not really sure what to do. This wasn't supposed to be how it was.
Everyone up there seems to think spending time in the underworld is dead easy - you don't have to do anything and all in all it's not a bad life ( well, life it isn't, but you probably get the point)
Well, I'd just like to tell you - from my experience so far, it's no fun at all. For example, you 've got all sorts of sensations, like itches for example, and you can't scratch them because you haven't got a body. That doesn't seem to stop things like itching, it seems to find a place to happen, but it just stops you doing anything about it. You can see your fingers, but they are something they call "incorporeal" in the guide book they give you when you come in. It's full of words that wouldn't make a lot of sense if you weren't dead. And if you're only just dead, like I am, it's all a bit confusing. You might remember that all those hippies were really keen on the Book of the Dead or something - what they didn't realise was it was just a guide book - a bit like a Lonely Planet one - places to go and things to see after you've passed away - only you have to remember that easyjet don't fly there - and more to the point, they certainly don't fly back. That's it, the end. This book also gives you some clues and helpful hints on how to get on with your life after your life's got on without you and gone. It's not a big bundle of laughs, I can tell you.
So, as I said, the last thing you knew I wasn't really able to talk much - due to being unconscious. Blackness, nothing....you know - Well, after a while - I've absolutely no idea how long, time didn't seem to be any part of it - I kind of came round to something. Some vague feeling of there being something there, a bit like waking up the first time when the alarm goes off after a really heavy night out. Absolutely no idea where I was. That was sort of familiar, well a bit, anyway. It took me a while to realise I wasn't actually alive - the fact that I was there and my body didn't seem to be anywhere in sight was a bit of a clue. I did look for it for a while, but it sure as hell wasn't anywhere. The other clue, a really big one, was that Hades came in and started asking me in a stupid Rolf Harris voice "Do you know what it is yet ? " - "being dead, that is", he said - as a hint. Now I don't think that was funny. He obviously did.
I was still in some sort of shock, I suppose, couldn't really believe it, didn't make sense to me at all.
So the first thing I did was ask him how come I was actually there, in his "realm" as he put it so nicely, as I was only supposed to be in a coma for a while - not really dead. I wanted to know what had happened. He said he had no idea - I just turned up without a body, like all the other dead people, and he hadn't got a clue why that was.
He knew that my plan was to make the great musician feel guilty by me pretending to be dead, so that then he'd have to come down here and rescue me to prove how much he cared - and I said that what had happened wasn't the deal I'd done with the snakes, wasn't part of the masterplan.
He pointed out that something in my plan obviously hadn't worked out because I was, actually, dead. Really dead, not just pretending. As you can imagine, that wasn't exactly something I wanted to hear. Well you wouldn't, would you ? "I'm so sorry, miss or madam, but you are no longer alive" - what am I going to do if anything else goes wrong ? I don't like the way I'm feeling one little bit. I want out of here now. I mean now, if not sooner. Being really dead was not part of the plan. Not at all.
So now I've got to try and sort out what happened - it must have been that little bastard viper who got it wrong - what other explanation could there be? so he said "why don't you go and ask - he's down here too - he got here about five minutes after you did". So it looks as if there is some justice, after all - and I thought why not go and ask him and if he really did mess up - well, I know the little bastard's dead - but maybe you can kill something twice - it's worth a try. So off I go to find him.
At this point things get really strange. He's there alright, he's as dead as I am and he's really pissed off with me ! And I mean really pissed off. Apparently after he bit me he got the crap beaten out of him with a stick by my other half. Killed him, as it happens, which wasn't part of his plan either. He's not best pleased - seems he'd done a deal with someone else to advertise apples or something and now he won't be able to deliver. It'll get serpents a bad name, he says. The Garden of Eden was bad enough, takes a long time for people to start trusting you again. Apples and all, he says - and I have to go and let them down - they're bound to think the worst.
Then he tells me the story of his life - how he had mumps when he was little and lost the use of his poison sacs - so he couldn't really kill anything or anyone - all he can do is bite. I said I did notice that, for some reason. Because he bit me, maybe? He hasn't actually told anyone before - says he's a bit ashamed of it - seems like he usually borrows a bit of poison from his cousin, sticks it in one of his cheeks and kind of squirts it out of his mouth when he bites. It still works, he says. Promises me that's not what he did this time, though. So this is now getting seriously odd. It's official. I tell him I'm sorry he's dead - but that I'm not really able to sympathise too much, because I'm dead too and I don't want to be either.
Off I go and find Hades and say - OK - I can't be really dead, the snake told me his poisoning bits don't work properly. He says that there's no doubt about it - I'm definitely dead, otherwise I'd have brought my body with me. He says that if it wasn't the snake, something else must have killed me. So I say, how can I find out and he says - you really don't want to know, it's not very nice - and I say why's that then and he says, up there, they do something they call a post mortem to find out why someone died. So I said why's that a problem - he said it's because they cut everything up, top to bottom, take everything out, put it back, usually in the wrong place, and that sometimes they keep bits of you for a while or sometimes they keep them for a really long time. He says it makes it very difficult for people who have to account for every bit of them to move on to their afterlife - says he gets stuck with loads of people who can't find vital organs, or more often just bits of them. He says he doesn't mind transplants - all they do is just put things on hold for a few decades at most - it's the little bits here and there that cause the real problem. Takes forever to sort out, apparently, bits here and bits there, you know.
Sounds a bit like an episode of extreme makeover, only using the parts they threw away. Yuck.
The advantage though, he says, is that they can tell you why you're dead - like in your case, when it's not obvious.
Then he says - I think they're doing yours now - do you want to sit in? They won't notice you, I promise. I think -what have I got to lose ? I'm dead anyway. Let's find out what really happened. So up we go.
Now I won't bore you with all the detail and what they cut up and where - just it was all a bit messy, and not very nice - I can't believe it's me on that slab, well, I don't want to, considering what they're doing to me.
I'm beginning to get quite upset about it, so Mr H reassures me that he can get me put back together properly - if someone actually shows up to get me back, that is - and he promises I'll be in the right order, without any scars. I take a deep breath and tell him he'd better, or I'll come back and haunt him. I was joking, mostly to stop myself crying, only he says - come back ? where from ? you're there already, you know. You can't haunt the underworld, they're all ghosts too. And he tells me there's no guarantees I'll get out of there. And that, again, is not what I want to hear. Not in the slightest.
Anyway, to cut this short again - what do they find ? There's obviously a snake bite, so they spend some time working out if that's what did it - make quite a mess of me doing it - and they do decide I was poisoned, but that it wasn't a snake bite that did it. Apparently it might have been something I drank - they're still not sure - the effect of it all just coincided with the snake taking a chomp at my ankle, so it looked as if that was what did it.
This is getting really scary. I need to spend a bit of time working that one out. This just doesn't make sense.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Saturday, June 25, 2005
The Big Day - how to die by accident
So it's Friday morning, and there I am, frantically looking behind every bush, tree, rock or anything for one of the vipers to tell them we've had a chnage of plan. Can I find them ? Can I f*ck. Find seven lizards, a bunch of geckoes, a couple of dozen grass snakes and about three thousand ants, termites and other insects. But no vipers. Great. BIG problem.
So it's back to plan B - try to find snake-proof clothing or some sort of anti-venom but the chemists haven't got any. Or any sticks for hitting snakes with. Seems like a party at a certain nightclub required all guests to dress in snakeproof stuff, and carry sticks, because they had some exotic dancer on who used snakes as part of her act and could have ended up killing the lot of them if they didn't. The suspicion that I've been tricked a bit starts to dawn on me, but I'm well and truly stuck with this. Looks like I'll have to hope he's braver and more trustworthy than I think, or I'm looking at a long time underground, whether I'm really dead or not.
So we get to the evening. I go and dress up in something that makes me look my best and all his friends show up, one by one, and eventually they're all there. That slapper Penny is there too, making goo-goo eyes at anything in trousers, but especially swoony over guess who ....anyway, the big moment arrives, when he tells them all that he's asked me to marry him and I have to give him the answer- well, no surprise there, of course it's Yes with a capital Y. It's worth every penny ( pardon the pun again) just to see the look on her face - if they could kill, the vipers wouldn't need to show up at all - and her a married woman too. Yes, I do know her other half is still negotiating with a one-eyed monster somewhere and claiming that he's nobody really, or so she's told me. If you believe that, you'll believe anything. She obviously does. Huh!
Anyway, it's snake-charming time. He starts playing, and as usual every serpent for 50 miles comes slithering and sliding into my garden. The hissing is pretty loud - hope the neighbours don't complain too much. The I spot my two little mates. I try to get their attention, but they are both pretending to be charmed and are doing the serpent conga with the rest of them. All of a sudden, though, one of them breaks out of the line, slips across to me and Wham! Ouch! It doesn't half hurt, I can tell you. Himself is up like a shot, the music stops and all the snakes look at him and each other like something stupid. Then they all shoot off into the bushes. All his friends go and get sticks and thrash about so it all gets a bit confusing, and while they're doing that, I can feel myself slipping into unconsciousness - not sure that's how you spell it - the sound goes all fuzzy, my eyes can't focus, I can't feel my arms and legs and the room spins like it does after 10 Vodka shots and the last thing I remember is falling over and then it all goes dark. That's it. Nothing else.
So it's back to plan B - try to find snake-proof clothing or some sort of anti-venom but the chemists haven't got any. Or any sticks for hitting snakes with. Seems like a party at a certain nightclub required all guests to dress in snakeproof stuff, and carry sticks, because they had some exotic dancer on who used snakes as part of her act and could have ended up killing the lot of them if they didn't. The suspicion that I've been tricked a bit starts to dawn on me, but I'm well and truly stuck with this. Looks like I'll have to hope he's braver and more trustworthy than I think, or I'm looking at a long time underground, whether I'm really dead or not.
So we get to the evening. I go and dress up in something that makes me look my best and all his friends show up, one by one, and eventually they're all there. That slapper Penny is there too, making goo-goo eyes at anything in trousers, but especially swoony over guess who ....anyway, the big moment arrives, when he tells them all that he's asked me to marry him and I have to give him the answer- well, no surprise there, of course it's Yes with a capital Y. It's worth every penny ( pardon the pun again) just to see the look on her face - if they could kill, the vipers wouldn't need to show up at all - and her a married woman too. Yes, I do know her other half is still negotiating with a one-eyed monster somewhere and claiming that he's nobody really, or so she's told me. If you believe that, you'll believe anything. She obviously does. Huh!
Anyway, it's snake-charming time. He starts playing, and as usual every serpent for 50 miles comes slithering and sliding into my garden. The hissing is pretty loud - hope the neighbours don't complain too much. The I spot my two little mates. I try to get their attention, but they are both pretending to be charmed and are doing the serpent conga with the rest of them. All of a sudden, though, one of them breaks out of the line, slips across to me and Wham! Ouch! It doesn't half hurt, I can tell you. Himself is up like a shot, the music stops and all the snakes look at him and each other like something stupid. Then they all shoot off into the bushes. All his friends go and get sticks and thrash about so it all gets a bit confusing, and while they're doing that, I can feel myself slipping into unconsciousness - not sure that's how you spell it - the sound goes all fuzzy, my eyes can't focus, I can't feel my arms and legs and the room spins like it does after 10 Vodka shots and the last thing I remember is falling over and then it all goes dark. That's it. Nothing else.
Friday, June 24, 2005
The master plan - infallible or what( NOT)
So the plan - as I see it, is to wind him up about his ability to charm wild beasts with his music. He's never done snakes (or spiders or scorpions for that matter - don't think he's doing them alphabetically, but who knows - could be that he is and I've not spotted it ) so I reckon I'll just casually drop into the conversation something about this guy I've seen down at the harbour, off one of the boats from the "mysterious orient", a guy who can charm snakes with a tootle of his pipe. That should make him jealous. He thinks he's god's gift to the charming fraternity, and to find someone who can charm something he can't ( or hasn't tried yet) will really wind him up. That's Step One.
Step Two is to go all girly on him and say " I'm sure a big strong talented musician like you could charm anything he wanted, even snakes" just so's he feels even more bad about this and, if I'm really lucky he'll stamp about for a bit and then make a vow that he'll show them...all of them.. he is a bit like that, when he gets wound up - could be a problem he had with not having "normal" (as in human) parents, like the rest of us. Gods kind of set different standards, don't they. It's all so easy to them, just comes naturally, so they expect a lot more from you.
So then we go onto Step Three ...where he invites everyone round to show off his skill and how he can do the charming bit with snakes. He'll play something and every serpent in the imediate neighbourhood will make a beeline for my garden and dance along to his tune, like a conga line at a hen party. Obviously that approach will work with most of them, but the ones I've sorted out will come along too and after a while one of them will bite me, just when he thinks he's got it all sussed. Oh dear. Now she's dead. And it's all his fault. Serious ( and I mean SERIOUS) guilt trip for him. If I hadn't wanted to show off she'd still be alive.....Good. He deserves it for being an arrogant bastard and flirting with that Penny.
Well, no surprises if I tell you that steps one and two work out exactly as planned. He's really pissed off that this oriental guy can get the old cobras doing what he tells them, and gets in a right huff when I ask him when he's going to do it - is there a problem, I ask, all innocent, is it just snakes you can't charm ? Do they scare you at all ? ...that does it - he's off like a bottle of pop - I'll show them he says, anything some bearded foreigner can do, so can I he says.
Getting step three sorted properly takes a bit more time, and I have to wind him up a bit more about this strange oriental bloke and stuff, but eventually he goes for it - and so I say don't just do it, you need to get everyone round for a bit of a party at my place to show them all how good you really are. And he falls for it.
So he invites them all round for Friday evening. I wait till it starts getting dark and pass the info on to my mates the vipers, so they know what to do.
Then something happens on Thursday that I don't expect. It's all sorted for Friday, as far as I know, when he suddenly gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. Says he wants to tell everyone on Friday, before he does the snakes bit. Not expecting that - been hoping he'd do that for months, but he didn't. If I'm honest, that's been part of the problem. So what now ? Friday is tomorrow, and it's all possibly going to go pear shaped for both of us unless I stop the vipers. Not exactly easy to drag myself away from a moment I've been waiting for, possibly the whole of my life, and he really doesn't understand why I'm not draped all over him at this point, but I've got to go into the garden and try to find the little darlings and tell them it's off. But they've gone. Obviously getting ready for tomorrow. Oh shit! So now what ? Tomorrow could be more than interesting. Reckon I need to go and find myself a few sticks for hitting snakes with with some urgency.
Alternative is to get in touch with Hades and try to call off the deal. One phone call later, it's obvious that he is not into that in the slightest. Tells me that I've shaken hands with him on it, and that if I pull out now, he'll claim he's won the bet, so I end up dead anyway. Great ! So now what? This is not turning out how I planned at all.....more to follow
Step Two is to go all girly on him and say " I'm sure a big strong talented musician like you could charm anything he wanted, even snakes" just so's he feels even more bad about this and, if I'm really lucky he'll stamp about for a bit and then make a vow that he'll show them...all of them.. he is a bit like that, when he gets wound up - could be a problem he had with not having "normal" (as in human) parents, like the rest of us. Gods kind of set different standards, don't they. It's all so easy to them, just comes naturally, so they expect a lot more from you.
So then we go onto Step Three ...where he invites everyone round to show off his skill and how he can do the charming bit with snakes. He'll play something and every serpent in the imediate neighbourhood will make a beeline for my garden and dance along to his tune, like a conga line at a hen party. Obviously that approach will work with most of them, but the ones I've sorted out will come along too and after a while one of them will bite me, just when he thinks he's got it all sussed. Oh dear. Now she's dead. And it's all his fault. Serious ( and I mean SERIOUS) guilt trip for him. If I hadn't wanted to show off she'd still be alive.....Good. He deserves it for being an arrogant bastard and flirting with that Penny.
Well, no surprises if I tell you that steps one and two work out exactly as planned. He's really pissed off that this oriental guy can get the old cobras doing what he tells them, and gets in a right huff when I ask him when he's going to do it - is there a problem, I ask, all innocent, is it just snakes you can't charm ? Do they scare you at all ? ...that does it - he's off like a bottle of pop - I'll show them he says, anything some bearded foreigner can do, so can I he says.
Getting step three sorted properly takes a bit more time, and I have to wind him up a bit more about this strange oriental bloke and stuff, but eventually he goes for it - and so I say don't just do it, you need to get everyone round for a bit of a party at my place to show them all how good you really are. And he falls for it.
So he invites them all round for Friday evening. I wait till it starts getting dark and pass the info on to my mates the vipers, so they know what to do.
Then something happens on Thursday that I don't expect. It's all sorted for Friday, as far as I know, when he suddenly gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. Says he wants to tell everyone on Friday, before he does the snakes bit. Not expecting that - been hoping he'd do that for months, but he didn't. If I'm honest, that's been part of the problem. So what now ? Friday is tomorrow, and it's all possibly going to go pear shaped for both of us unless I stop the vipers. Not exactly easy to drag myself away from a moment I've been waiting for, possibly the whole of my life, and he really doesn't understand why I'm not draped all over him at this point, but I've got to go into the garden and try to find the little darlings and tell them it's off. But they've gone. Obviously getting ready for tomorrow. Oh shit! So now what ? Tomorrow could be more than interesting. Reckon I need to go and find myself a few sticks for hitting snakes with with some urgency.
Alternative is to get in touch with Hades and try to call off the deal. One phone call later, it's obvious that he is not into that in the slightest. Tells me that I've shaken hands with him on it, and that if I pull out now, he'll claim he's won the bet, so I end up dead anyway. Great ! So now what? This is not turning out how I planned at all.....more to follow
Back to the find a snake and go to hell routine
So anyway, I finish my "little chat" with Hades, and get the hell out of there (if you'll pardon the bad pun) Getting a bit of a bad feeling about this, but we did do a deal, and we did shake on it, and from what I've been told, although he's sneaky, and a bit of a ladies man, he sticks to his word.
So the next thing I've got to do is find a suitable snake - one that will bite me just enough to make me look dead, without actually killing me.
As chance would have it, a mate has just gone out and bought the "How to lose lots of weight by being dead for a week or two" diet book, where you lose weight by going into a coma for a fortnight or so through being poisoned. Apparently it works because you're not eating anything and your body is still burning up calories. Some people swear by it. Makes as much sense as eating vast quantities of meat and fat to poison yourself, doesn't it ?
Anyway, this book recommends a viper, if you're after being poisoned by something that bites you. The alternatives (being poisoned by something you eat or drink) don't really fit in with what I want to do. A wee bit too obvious, even to a bloke. So the viper - apparently it'll knock you out OK, make people think you've snuffed it, but chances are it won't kill you - not unless you're unlucky. You wake up a week or so later with a bad headache and a lot thinner. Also tells you where to find one, well, where they hang out, at least. So off I go into the hills to find one. Not to bite me just yet, but to have a chat about what I want them to do, when and how. Given the bloke's ability to charm wild beasts with his music, strikes me I'll have to find one that's tone-deaf, bribable and willing to play along. Because if a snake shows up all of a sudden, he'll either hit it with a stick or sing to it depending on how dangerous he thinks it is.
What's more, snakes being a fairly close-knit community round here (mostly due to people not liking them and hitting them with sticks when they see them), chances are I'll only get one shot at it, word will get around.
So eventually I see one, lying out in the sun, and I go up to him and try to engage him in a bit of conversation. He's half asleep to start with, and I have to tell him not to bite me just yet, but he gets the drift fairly quickly. Seems he's heard of my other half - as have all the other wild beasts - and he tells me they are all a bit pissed off with him - he makes them go into some sort of a trance and go to places they don't expect, really weird stuff, and then he stops playing. Phtum. Just like that. And they wake up. No idea about where they are and how they got there. So there they all are, wondering how the f*ck did I get here, what the f*ck do I do next and how do I get away without either getting killed by the locals or being eaten by something bigger than me. Being a dangerous wild beast that's always being charmed and then dumped doesn't seem a lot of fun - I can see what they mean. The birds are getting a bit fed up of flying into windows too, all tranced up so they don't look where they're going. He didn't mention wasps, and I didn't ask.
Turns out he's got a cousin who can't tell Bach from Westlife - ideal for this gig, it would seem. So we head off to meet him. I have to promise not to hit either of them with sticks and to stop other people doing it if we bump into anyone. Anyway, the cousin's up for it - provided it will stop him playing for a week or two - or longer - give them a bit of peace and quiet.
I say that I reckon he will either be so miserable about me being dead that he won't be able to charm an ant, or he'll be so ashamed that he's been found out that he won't dare sing anything for a while. That seems to be enough for them to give it the go-ahead. All we have to do now is sort out the where and when. And I have a bit of a brainwave about that - and work out a really good plan- one that will make him feel really, really bad - not just for me being dead, but also because he'll think he was actually responsible for it too - a real double whammy. So I tell them to hang about in the garden at twilight for a few days and I'll tip them off when it's all going to happen. Then I have to go and start working on him. The poor bastard won't know what hit him. Serves him right, if you ask me, for messing with my head and making me jealous.
There's still more to follow...
So the next thing I've got to do is find a suitable snake - one that will bite me just enough to make me look dead, without actually killing me.
As chance would have it, a mate has just gone out and bought the "How to lose lots of weight by being dead for a week or two" diet book, where you lose weight by going into a coma for a fortnight or so through being poisoned. Apparently it works because you're not eating anything and your body is still burning up calories. Some people swear by it. Makes as much sense as eating vast quantities of meat and fat to poison yourself, doesn't it ?
Anyway, this book recommends a viper, if you're after being poisoned by something that bites you. The alternatives (being poisoned by something you eat or drink) don't really fit in with what I want to do. A wee bit too obvious, even to a bloke. So the viper - apparently it'll knock you out OK, make people think you've snuffed it, but chances are it won't kill you - not unless you're unlucky. You wake up a week or so later with a bad headache and a lot thinner. Also tells you where to find one, well, where they hang out, at least. So off I go into the hills to find one. Not to bite me just yet, but to have a chat about what I want them to do, when and how. Given the bloke's ability to charm wild beasts with his music, strikes me I'll have to find one that's tone-deaf, bribable and willing to play along. Because if a snake shows up all of a sudden, he'll either hit it with a stick or sing to it depending on how dangerous he thinks it is.
What's more, snakes being a fairly close-knit community round here (mostly due to people not liking them and hitting them with sticks when they see them), chances are I'll only get one shot at it, word will get around.
So eventually I see one, lying out in the sun, and I go up to him and try to engage him in a bit of conversation. He's half asleep to start with, and I have to tell him not to bite me just yet, but he gets the drift fairly quickly. Seems he's heard of my other half - as have all the other wild beasts - and he tells me they are all a bit pissed off with him - he makes them go into some sort of a trance and go to places they don't expect, really weird stuff, and then he stops playing. Phtum. Just like that. And they wake up. No idea about where they are and how they got there. So there they all are, wondering how the f*ck did I get here, what the f*ck do I do next and how do I get away without either getting killed by the locals or being eaten by something bigger than me. Being a dangerous wild beast that's always being charmed and then dumped doesn't seem a lot of fun - I can see what they mean. The birds are getting a bit fed up of flying into windows too, all tranced up so they don't look where they're going. He didn't mention wasps, and I didn't ask.
Turns out he's got a cousin who can't tell Bach from Westlife - ideal for this gig, it would seem. So we head off to meet him. I have to promise not to hit either of them with sticks and to stop other people doing it if we bump into anyone. Anyway, the cousin's up for it - provided it will stop him playing for a week or two - or longer - give them a bit of peace and quiet.
I say that I reckon he will either be so miserable about me being dead that he won't be able to charm an ant, or he'll be so ashamed that he's been found out that he won't dare sing anything for a while. That seems to be enough for them to give it the go-ahead. All we have to do now is sort out the where and when. And I have a bit of a brainwave about that - and work out a really good plan- one that will make him feel really, really bad - not just for me being dead, but also because he'll think he was actually responsible for it too - a real double whammy. So I tell them to hang about in the garden at twilight for a few days and I'll tip them off when it's all going to happen. Then I have to go and start working on him. The poor bastard won't know what hit him. Serves him right, if you ask me, for messing with my head and making me jealous.
There's still more to follow...
Thursday, June 23, 2005
The story continues
So where were we - oh yes, Hades telling me what the deal was.
What he said was, if you want to play this properly, there's a bit of a risk - how sure are you that he'll actually deliver? I said I didn't know for sure, so he said, listen kid, I'll cut you some slack on this - just in case. Don't want you ending up dead over some dickhead who only says things for effect. It's obvious you're really into him, so let's set this up so it should work, I guarantee if he doesn't show, that you get to go back and can take the piss out of him for being chicken and full of shit, but if he does show up, we've got to do a proper test. Is that Ok ? Like a fool I said it was. So he says this is the real deal - you have to be dead or at least he has to believe it - otherwise he won't show. I wouldn't recommend getting hit by a bus or anything like that - makes a right mess of you, and I can't guarantee you'll get fixed up when you get back. Try getting bitten by a snake or something - quick, fairly painless and treatable - you don't look too bad when you're dead - well, no worse than the average supermodel anyway, and if you get the right sort of snake it might not really kill you anyway. Try a viper or something - they listen quite well and often miss on purpose.
The next bit is to decide the test - I reckon that if he shows up it'll be a surprise, so let's be prepared for it. If he doesn't show at all, you win, and I let you go back - no questions - OK ? So I said yes, that seems fair. So he says you don't really trust him, do you, so the real test is trust, right ? And I say Ok, that makes sense. So he says, right, this is the deal. First off, he's got to do his charming wild beasts stuff with me. If he's good, we move on to phase2, otherwise I feed him to the guard dog and you have to stay here with me. Do you reckon he could do that ? Is he good enough? So I say I reckon he is - and watch the eyebrow raise slightly - but that's all - and we agree that's what happens. So the next stage is deciding the trust test. Because I don't really trust him, that's obvious. So Hades says - what about this - he's got to trust that you are going to follow him back out of here without looking back to check. That's real trust in you and a good test. So I say, no funny business about screaming "Behind You" or stuff like that and he says OK - so we agree it's a deal. If he makes it all the way back without looking over his shoulder once, then it's all OK - otherwise I have to stay here and suffer whatever the man downstairs wants. Hope he's up to this - having serious doubts about the deal, but I've got to know he trusts me - mind you, he probably won't show at all, so I get back anyway. Chances are, I'll get to laugh at him, the big wuss. So we shake on it.
Now all I've got to do is find a willing venomous reptile. Easy or what.
To be continued......possibly in a different voice....
What he said was, if you want to play this properly, there's a bit of a risk - how sure are you that he'll actually deliver? I said I didn't know for sure, so he said, listen kid, I'll cut you some slack on this - just in case. Don't want you ending up dead over some dickhead who only says things for effect. It's obvious you're really into him, so let's set this up so it should work, I guarantee if he doesn't show, that you get to go back and can take the piss out of him for being chicken and full of shit, but if he does show up, we've got to do a proper test. Is that Ok ? Like a fool I said it was. So he says this is the real deal - you have to be dead or at least he has to believe it - otherwise he won't show. I wouldn't recommend getting hit by a bus or anything like that - makes a right mess of you, and I can't guarantee you'll get fixed up when you get back. Try getting bitten by a snake or something - quick, fairly painless and treatable - you don't look too bad when you're dead - well, no worse than the average supermodel anyway, and if you get the right sort of snake it might not really kill you anyway. Try a viper or something - they listen quite well and often miss on purpose.
The next bit is to decide the test - I reckon that if he shows up it'll be a surprise, so let's be prepared for it. If he doesn't show at all, you win, and I let you go back - no questions - OK ? So I said yes, that seems fair. So he says you don't really trust him, do you, so the real test is trust, right ? And I say Ok, that makes sense. So he says, right, this is the deal. First off, he's got to do his charming wild beasts stuff with me. If he's good, we move on to phase2, otherwise I feed him to the guard dog and you have to stay here with me. Do you reckon he could do that ? Is he good enough? So I say I reckon he is - and watch the eyebrow raise slightly - but that's all - and we agree that's what happens. So the next stage is deciding the trust test. Because I don't really trust him, that's obvious. So Hades says - what about this - he's got to trust that you are going to follow him back out of here without looking back to check. That's real trust in you and a good test. So I say, no funny business about screaming "Behind You" or stuff like that and he says OK - so we agree it's a deal. If he makes it all the way back without looking over his shoulder once, then it's all OK - otherwise I have to stay here and suffer whatever the man downstairs wants. Hope he's up to this - having serious doubts about the deal, but I've got to know he trusts me - mind you, he probably won't show at all, so I get back anyway. Chances are, I'll get to laugh at him, the big wuss. So we shake on it.
Now all I've got to do is find a willing venomous reptile. Easy or what.
To be continued......possibly in a different voice....
So the story begins - reflections on dying by mistake
You may think I am very stupid, or fickle, or lacking in trust, but now I've paid the price - I died, in spite of it all, when all I wanted to do was test his love for me. It just went wrong, somehow
He was really something special - a musician - he wrote tunes that could literally charm the birds from the trees - and I mean really he could. It was a bit of a pain at times, there he'd be, singing and playing to me, and all of a sudden a flock of birds would start flying round his head. Now I don't mind most living things, but a lot of birds are a bit like moths - they fly into things, windows in particular.
So you get the picture - there I am being serenaded at twilight by Mr Cute / talented / sex on legs / whatever - singing songs about how much he loves me, wants me, how he can hardly wait, and there am I getting all expectant when whack! bang! thud! - three starlings or thrushes or blackbirds or nightingales or something -they all look and sound the same to me - fly straight into the patio doors and fall down dead as doornails on my veranda. Kills the moment a bit, I'm sure you'd agree. Kills them, too, but that's their fault, not mine. Stupid things.
Anyway, to cut a long story a bit shorter, this starts getting a regular occurrence, except it's not always birds - last week it was horses - the week before it was wild goats and yesterday it was mice. Yes, that's right, small furry smelly things that make you jump and stand on chairs. I will admit to being a wimp and actually being afraid of them - well, one would be OK, but 2,000 of them - apart from the fact they all crapped on my best carpet, they covered it - looked like the damn thing was alive - a heaving, wriggling, writhing mass of grey and brown ( yes, both sorts of mice, he's not picky)
All I can say is thank God I'm not having it off with the Pied Piper - the music might be melodic and haunting, but I don't think I'd cope with the rats ! They seem to come with the territory.
So he told me that he has the gift to charm wild beasts with his music. Great, I said, can you charm them to f**k off until we've finished what we're doing ?
He said, unfortunately that's not how the gift works. They come in response to the music, and go away when it stops.
What's the damn point in a gift like that, I said, you'd think that your fairy godfather, Apollo, or someone else up there that you get on so well with, would have given you a bit more control over the effect your music has - yes I know you pulled me with it, but I'm not keen on sharing the house with lions or wolves - and what if one of your tunes is particularly attractive to wasps - it's quite possible, don't laugh - how would I cope with a houseful of the yellow and black stinging bastards ? Just don't go there, I said.
I think he was a bit miffed with me, for criticising his dad / stepdad whatever - he says it's Apollo, but you never can tell with these musical types - they'd tell you anything to get off with you, that's what they do. Oh, did you realise my dad's a God ? Don't fall for it - it's just another chat-up line aimed at getting their wicked way with you. Ask them to turn into a swan or something and they soon change their tune - Oh no, he isn't the transforming sort of god, just the having sex with women sort - yeah, right - load of bollocks!
Anyway, so some time back I told you I was dead. Major cock-up - not part of my plans at all.
So how did it happen?
Maybe things would have worked out differently if it hadn't been for our neighbour Penny. Her other half was never home - she said he was away at a war or something, and was having a bit of trouble getting back. Yeah, right, Penny - nothing to do with having the hots for any witch, nymph or demi-goddess that flashed her eyes / thighs or other bits at him.... I mean, how credible is all your mates turning into pigs because this bit of stuff fancies you - and how exactly does that stop you getting home from work? Or some guff about being enchanted and spending ages on a desert island - I always thought a calypso was some sort of West Indian music ( an exotic tart more likely) anyway, her other half never seemed to make it back from the bar after a night out with the lads (or pigs) - well, that does seem apt, looking back on it.
So there's Penny, all alone and wanting company, and he takes pity on her and does her a quick song - nothing spectacular, just a bit about staying friends and not wanting to be distracted, but she takes it all the wrong way and thinks he fancies her. Well, apart from the fact that her other half goes in for killing people who fancy his wife and try it on - apparently he's a bit of a dead shot with a spear and rather touchy about things, it's taking the piss, really.
So I say - cut it out or we're history, matey, and he comes across all sorry, tries to explain that it's all part of the gift, and that neither of them can help it. So I say to him you'll be singing in a much higher pitch if you try to unwrap your gift with that slapper Penny - you get my drift?
He goes all hurt and tells me I've got it wrong - that it's me he wants and always will and that he would go through the gates of hell for me if necessary, he loves me that much.
Well, that gets me thinking, doesn't it. I actually know Hades (well a friend of mine used to work for him), so I think why not test him out - see if he's all talk and no trousers. So I get on the phone to my mate, and ask him to fix me up an apppointment with the man downstairs as they call him. From what I remember, he used to fancy me a bit - so it's no big surprise when he calls me back and asks me to come and see him, asking me to dress up for the occasion.
So I do, and go downtown to this club place. Doorman's a bit heavy - so's the guard dog - looks like he's got more than one head - cross between a Rottweiler and god knows what, but anyway, they let me in and I get to see him. Have to stop him giving me a grope when I see him, so it's obvious that he's still interested. although I'm really not that keen - he's just a means to an end.
I explain that I've got this boyfriend and that everyone else seems to fancy him - that although he says he loves me, I'm not certain he's not having it off with all the other girls he charms with his songs, and I tell him about this thing about going to the gates of hell to bring me back. He laughs at that and says I bet he wouldn't last a minute with the guard dog, never mind with me - but if you want to try him out, because it's you, here's the deal. So he explains it all to me.
Time to break now - the story is now up and running....
He was really something special - a musician - he wrote tunes that could literally charm the birds from the trees - and I mean really he could. It was a bit of a pain at times, there he'd be, singing and playing to me, and all of a sudden a flock of birds would start flying round his head. Now I don't mind most living things, but a lot of birds are a bit like moths - they fly into things, windows in particular.
So you get the picture - there I am being serenaded at twilight by Mr Cute / talented / sex on legs / whatever - singing songs about how much he loves me, wants me, how he can hardly wait, and there am I getting all expectant when whack! bang! thud! - three starlings or thrushes or blackbirds or nightingales or something -they all look and sound the same to me - fly straight into the patio doors and fall down dead as doornails on my veranda. Kills the moment a bit, I'm sure you'd agree. Kills them, too, but that's their fault, not mine. Stupid things.
Anyway, to cut a long story a bit shorter, this starts getting a regular occurrence, except it's not always birds - last week it was horses - the week before it was wild goats and yesterday it was mice. Yes, that's right, small furry smelly things that make you jump and stand on chairs. I will admit to being a wimp and actually being afraid of them - well, one would be OK, but 2,000 of them - apart from the fact they all crapped on my best carpet, they covered it - looked like the damn thing was alive - a heaving, wriggling, writhing mass of grey and brown ( yes, both sorts of mice, he's not picky)
All I can say is thank God I'm not having it off with the Pied Piper - the music might be melodic and haunting, but I don't think I'd cope with the rats ! They seem to come with the territory.
So he told me that he has the gift to charm wild beasts with his music. Great, I said, can you charm them to f**k off until we've finished what we're doing ?
He said, unfortunately that's not how the gift works. They come in response to the music, and go away when it stops.
What's the damn point in a gift like that, I said, you'd think that your fairy godfather, Apollo, or someone else up there that you get on so well with, would have given you a bit more control over the effect your music has - yes I know you pulled me with it, but I'm not keen on sharing the house with lions or wolves - and what if one of your tunes is particularly attractive to wasps - it's quite possible, don't laugh - how would I cope with a houseful of the yellow and black stinging bastards ? Just don't go there, I said.
I think he was a bit miffed with me, for criticising his dad / stepdad whatever - he says it's Apollo, but you never can tell with these musical types - they'd tell you anything to get off with you, that's what they do. Oh, did you realise my dad's a God ? Don't fall for it - it's just another chat-up line aimed at getting their wicked way with you. Ask them to turn into a swan or something and they soon change their tune - Oh no, he isn't the transforming sort of god, just the having sex with women sort - yeah, right - load of bollocks!
Anyway, so some time back I told you I was dead. Major cock-up - not part of my plans at all.
So how did it happen?
Maybe things would have worked out differently if it hadn't been for our neighbour Penny. Her other half was never home - she said he was away at a war or something, and was having a bit of trouble getting back. Yeah, right, Penny - nothing to do with having the hots for any witch, nymph or demi-goddess that flashed her eyes / thighs or other bits at him.... I mean, how credible is all your mates turning into pigs because this bit of stuff fancies you - and how exactly does that stop you getting home from work? Or some guff about being enchanted and spending ages on a desert island - I always thought a calypso was some sort of West Indian music ( an exotic tart more likely) anyway, her other half never seemed to make it back from the bar after a night out with the lads (or pigs) - well, that does seem apt, looking back on it.
So there's Penny, all alone and wanting company, and he takes pity on her and does her a quick song - nothing spectacular, just a bit about staying friends and not wanting to be distracted, but she takes it all the wrong way and thinks he fancies her. Well, apart from the fact that her other half goes in for killing people who fancy his wife and try it on - apparently he's a bit of a dead shot with a spear and rather touchy about things, it's taking the piss, really.
So I say - cut it out or we're history, matey, and he comes across all sorry, tries to explain that it's all part of the gift, and that neither of them can help it. So I say to him you'll be singing in a much higher pitch if you try to unwrap your gift with that slapper Penny - you get my drift?
He goes all hurt and tells me I've got it wrong - that it's me he wants and always will and that he would go through the gates of hell for me if necessary, he loves me that much.
Well, that gets me thinking, doesn't it. I actually know Hades (well a friend of mine used to work for him), so I think why not test him out - see if he's all talk and no trousers. So I get on the phone to my mate, and ask him to fix me up an apppointment with the man downstairs as they call him. From what I remember, he used to fancy me a bit - so it's no big surprise when he calls me back and asks me to come and see him, asking me to dress up for the occasion.
So I do, and go downtown to this club place. Doorman's a bit heavy - so's the guard dog - looks like he's got more than one head - cross between a Rottweiler and god knows what, but anyway, they let me in and I get to see him. Have to stop him giving me a grope when I see him, so it's obvious that he's still interested. although I'm really not that keen - he's just a means to an end.
I explain that I've got this boyfriend and that everyone else seems to fancy him - that although he says he loves me, I'm not certain he's not having it off with all the other girls he charms with his songs, and I tell him about this thing about going to the gates of hell to bring me back. He laughs at that and says I bet he wouldn't last a minute with the guard dog, never mind with me - but if you want to try him out, because it's you, here's the deal. So he explains it all to me.
Time to break now - the story is now up and running....
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Orpheus and people who don't really exist
From The Underworld by the Herd was a song I loved in the 60s - seriously overblown and dramatic, I'm not alone in liking that.
So why? Eurydice could tell you if she was still here. It's called a lack of trust - someone has promised that it will all be ok if you just believe and don't look back to check. So you do. And it's not, but it would have been - or so they say.
I reckon Hades always knew Orpheus would check - that's why he made the deal that way. It's always too late once you've done it. No excuse, no explanation - three times the thunder rolled in my ears, through all of my years I'll see that lost look in your eyes...
How many pomegranate seeds do you have to eat to stay there all year ? For ever ? I think I'm doomed.... Well, I know I am anyway, really, as are we all, but the dramatic effect isn't quite the same if you don't pretend to be able to escape to the world of light
Yes I do know that pomegranates were Persephone, but it's the same issue - coming back from the dead...
Is Eurydice the same as Juliet ? Did he love her as much? Was Romeo taking the poison to go to the underworld as Orpheus to find her and bring her back? Would he have sung for her if he'd found her - was it just that the time was wrong ?
Is that why he died - he went to find her, but she wasn't really there so he couldn't find her and they wouldn't let him go back ?
Was Eurydice really dead or was it just a trick to find out how much he loved her - and she got Hades in on the act - she was alive all along, but it all backfired, not because he didn't love her, but because he was so scared of losing her that he had to look back to check.
Then she had to be dead, because that was the deal she did with Hades..
Or maybe Hades was her lover and she wanted to make Orpheus feel responsible for losing her so she could be with someone else while he was miserable and wouldn't come looking again - possibly it was because he'd pissed her off by being a successful musician and was always on tour....and she found out about the groupies (or goddesses, as he called them) could be the beginnings of a short story - or a series of them - alternative versions of the Greek Myths. Just people who didn't really exist, so you can say what you want.
So did Pandora really open the box, or was she just the scapegoat for some bloke who forgot what he put in the box, and had lost his car keys and rang her and said have you checked everywhere, and she said everywhere but this box, which you told me not to open in any circumstances. So he said check in there anyway - he'd forgotten they were in his other coat. So she did, and got eternal blame for what she let out. That would explain a lot.
You will note that Hope appears to be female too in that myth - but also women usually get a really bad press in myths - like Eve in the garden of Eden...why is it her fault ? You'd think blokes don't know how to say no...hang on there, that makes sense in a way...and who writes it down ? Men. Got to have someone to blame. No, guv it wasn't me, it was this woman what tempted me, so I did it...
People who don't really exist - I just found out the name of your best friend, you've been talking 'bout yourself again....mmm...and you imagine other people are who they say they are - but it's all a game. You have to guess who's real and who isn't. No answers, no clues. You guess wrong.
So why? Eurydice could tell you if she was still here. It's called a lack of trust - someone has promised that it will all be ok if you just believe and don't look back to check. So you do. And it's not, but it would have been - or so they say.
I reckon Hades always knew Orpheus would check - that's why he made the deal that way. It's always too late once you've done it. No excuse, no explanation - three times the thunder rolled in my ears, through all of my years I'll see that lost look in your eyes...
How many pomegranate seeds do you have to eat to stay there all year ? For ever ? I think I'm doomed.... Well, I know I am anyway, really, as are we all, but the dramatic effect isn't quite the same if you don't pretend to be able to escape to the world of light
Yes I do know that pomegranates were Persephone, but it's the same issue - coming back from the dead...
Is Eurydice the same as Juliet ? Did he love her as much? Was Romeo taking the poison to go to the underworld as Orpheus to find her and bring her back? Would he have sung for her if he'd found her - was it just that the time was wrong ?
Is that why he died - he went to find her, but she wasn't really there so he couldn't find her and they wouldn't let him go back ?
Was Eurydice really dead or was it just a trick to find out how much he loved her - and she got Hades in on the act - she was alive all along, but it all backfired, not because he didn't love her, but because he was so scared of losing her that he had to look back to check.
Then she had to be dead, because that was the deal she did with Hades..
Or maybe Hades was her lover and she wanted to make Orpheus feel responsible for losing her so she could be with someone else while he was miserable and wouldn't come looking again - possibly it was because he'd pissed her off by being a successful musician and was always on tour....and she found out about the groupies (or goddesses, as he called them) could be the beginnings of a short story - or a series of them - alternative versions of the Greek Myths. Just people who didn't really exist, so you can say what you want.
So did Pandora really open the box, or was she just the scapegoat for some bloke who forgot what he put in the box, and had lost his car keys and rang her and said have you checked everywhere, and she said everywhere but this box, which you told me not to open in any circumstances. So he said check in there anyway - he'd forgotten they were in his other coat. So she did, and got eternal blame for what she let out. That would explain a lot.
You will note that Hope appears to be female too in that myth - but also women usually get a really bad press in myths - like Eve in the garden of Eden...why is it her fault ? You'd think blokes don't know how to say no...hang on there, that makes sense in a way...and who writes it down ? Men. Got to have someone to blame. No, guv it wasn't me, it was this woman what tempted me, so I did it...
People who don't really exist - I just found out the name of your best friend, you've been talking 'bout yourself again....mmm...and you imagine other people are who they say they are - but it's all a game. You have to guess who's real and who isn't. No answers, no clues. You guess wrong.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
The differences between being alone and being lonely- more about memory too
Some people are really good at being self-contained and alone. Some people are really bad at being on their own, and turn it into being lonely. Sometimes they are the same thing, sometimes they are not. I've found you can be lonely with other people there - it's a state of mind.
I know other people who are always lonely on their own, some people who really want to be on their own and aren't lonely and some people who are never alone but are still lonely.
Sometimes you aren't alone even when there's no-one else actually there. Sometimes you take people with you everywhere you go even if they aren't there. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it isn't. If you know they will be somewhere you are going, or will be in the future, it's usually good, or at least ok, especially if you know that they are thinking about you the same way.
If you are wanting someone to be there and they aren't, that's usually bad, but it depends on the level of hope you have that they will be somewhere else you're going to be. If you can't lose the feeling that they'll always be somewhere, but they never are then that's really bad. If you are afraid that they never will be there and you still feel the same then that's probably the worst it can get. A bit like seeing the ghosts of people who aren't dead yet. That's how places get haunted.
There are places, sounds, voices, scents that trigger memories. Sometimes these make you feel sad because you've lost the person who made the memories happy, sometimes you're happy because you haven't - sometimes you really don't care. Sometimes you do, but they don't, which isn't good either.
I know other people who are always lonely on their own, some people who really want to be on their own and aren't lonely and some people who are never alone but are still lonely.
Sometimes you aren't alone even when there's no-one else actually there. Sometimes you take people with you everywhere you go even if they aren't there. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it isn't. If you know they will be somewhere you are going, or will be in the future, it's usually good, or at least ok, especially if you know that they are thinking about you the same way.
If you are wanting someone to be there and they aren't, that's usually bad, but it depends on the level of hope you have that they will be somewhere else you're going to be. If you can't lose the feeling that they'll always be somewhere, but they never are then that's really bad. If you are afraid that they never will be there and you still feel the same then that's probably the worst it can get. A bit like seeing the ghosts of people who aren't dead yet. That's how places get haunted.
There are places, sounds, voices, scents that trigger memories. Sometimes these make you feel sad because you've lost the person who made the memories happy, sometimes you're happy because you haven't - sometimes you really don't care. Sometimes you do, but they don't, which isn't good either.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Thoughts on the serial nature of time and memory
Memory is what I do. It goes in and comes out, with no particular pattern. I either remember stuff or I don't. Importance doesn't seem to matter, just some bits stick - quite a lot as it happens - but it doesn't always come out when I want it to. Memory is what I do because I don't seem to be as good at a lot else - and because it feels safer because I know it 's already happened and gone. So what profundity am I going to drop in your lap ? Get the "pseuds corner" entry in Private Eye ready....
I think of time as a flow - a bit like a stream, or a river to go a bit "yeah, right" but with memory acting in a strange way - we all remember "bits" of things clustered around important events ( or unimportant ones) but you never play back the whole of the time-strand in one go. You don't get a full video stream in sequence, do you? Life isn't like the movies - slow-motion action replays / edited highlights is more like it - the moment when you score that spectacular goal ( or own goal) over and over again, but not what happened 10 minutes before...
The way I'd describe it is like dipping a bucket into a river ( OK serious "yeah,right" moment) but each bucket contains different things - I know it sounds a bit off the wall, but if you think about particular times in your life that were memorable, there will be people, places, the weather, music, television programmes, films, food, smells, clothes, even the actual sensation of something happening (either nice or not-so-nice) that are connected in your mind to whatever it was that makes you remember it. Sometimes two "buckets" are closer to each other - or directly connected.
The odd thing seems to be that you can't necessarily remember the bits in the bucket separately - they all seem to come at once,connected to each other, but separate from other "buckets". Bit like the quantum theory really. OK so that's just me going on about it. I'm sure some scientist explained it better and you'd understand them.
So what about time then ?
Some time ago I read "The Disposessed" by Ursula Le Guin ( actually I've read a lot of her stuff - as you'll find out later) and the book, in explaining the science involved, came up with two theoretical approaches to time - simultaneous and sequential ( I think) they try to explain the throwing of a rock at a tree and the sequence of events - in the simultaneous approach, the rock hits the tree as you throw it ( so not real) while in the sequential it is travelling a proportion of the distance from your hand to the tree each milli/micro/nano second - except that in this process it can never actually reach the tree because it will always be an infinitesimally small distance from the tree - reducing all the time, but never getting there. OK so that's the theory. In reality, it's abit of both, but the science don't seem to stack.
While we're talking about Ursula, one of her other books - The Left Hand of Darkness - tries to tell you how useless it is to know the answer to the wrong question about what will happen in the future. A warning for all those who want to know what will happen.
Man gets to ask one question so he asks : On what day will I die ?
Answer : Tuesday
Doesn't help a lot does it? No clue as to which Tuesday - this week, this year, in 50 years time - so he gets partner/lover to ask a second one - question : how long will he live ?
Answer : longer than you
So no real news there, then.....so just be careful what you ask for - you might just get it - and then what would you do - unforeseen consequences abound.
I think of time as a flow - a bit like a stream, or a river to go a bit "yeah, right" but with memory acting in a strange way - we all remember "bits" of things clustered around important events ( or unimportant ones) but you never play back the whole of the time-strand in one go. You don't get a full video stream in sequence, do you? Life isn't like the movies - slow-motion action replays / edited highlights is more like it - the moment when you score that spectacular goal ( or own goal) over and over again, but not what happened 10 minutes before...
The way I'd describe it is like dipping a bucket into a river ( OK serious "yeah,right" moment) but each bucket contains different things - I know it sounds a bit off the wall, but if you think about particular times in your life that were memorable, there will be people, places, the weather, music, television programmes, films, food, smells, clothes, even the actual sensation of something happening (either nice or not-so-nice) that are connected in your mind to whatever it was that makes you remember it. Sometimes two "buckets" are closer to each other - or directly connected.
The odd thing seems to be that you can't necessarily remember the bits in the bucket separately - they all seem to come at once,connected to each other, but separate from other "buckets". Bit like the quantum theory really. OK so that's just me going on about it. I'm sure some scientist explained it better and you'd understand them.
So what about time then ?
Some time ago I read "The Disposessed" by Ursula Le Guin ( actually I've read a lot of her stuff - as you'll find out later) and the book, in explaining the science involved, came up with two theoretical approaches to time - simultaneous and sequential ( I think) they try to explain the throwing of a rock at a tree and the sequence of events - in the simultaneous approach, the rock hits the tree as you throw it ( so not real) while in the sequential it is travelling a proportion of the distance from your hand to the tree each milli/micro/nano second - except that in this process it can never actually reach the tree because it will always be an infinitesimally small distance from the tree - reducing all the time, but never getting there. OK so that's the theory. In reality, it's abit of both, but the science don't seem to stack.
While we're talking about Ursula, one of her other books - The Left Hand of Darkness - tries to tell you how useless it is to know the answer to the wrong question about what will happen in the future. A warning for all those who want to know what will happen.
Man gets to ask one question so he asks : On what day will I die ?
Answer : Tuesday
Doesn't help a lot does it? No clue as to which Tuesday - this week, this year, in 50 years time - so he gets partner/lover to ask a second one - question : how long will he live ?
Answer : longer than you
So no real news there, then.....so just be careful what you ask for - you might just get it - and then what would you do - unforeseen consequences abound.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
how it all begins
So what is this all about ? A friend told me I treated them like a journal - telling them things just because I could. Like a palimpsest, they said, which explains the name.
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