Tony as Sherlock - Chapter 1

So I manage to come up with an excuse to go back down for a day or so - quite good timing as well - apparently there's a bit of a rebellion going on that Eurydice's leading, and Mr H needs me to help to sort them out and "get their minds straight" as he puts it...or their heads banged together, which is what he really means he wants to happen.

So off I go then - quite apprehensive about what I might find out - and I've got to try and talk her into stopping the rebellion too - so that's two rather difficult jobs to manage at once. Oh well, here goes....

Priority Number one for me is to find out the answers to the questions that are bothering me. Just what did she plan to happen, who did she tell, when did she tell them - what was actually going on then.
And as it turns out, she's quite pleased to see me. It's pretty obvious that she hasn't been absorbed into the world down there just yet, she's still angry. All of which really suits me in terms of what I want to find out and sort out - so I start where we left off a while ago, asking her for the history of how she ended up down here, only this time, taking much more detailed notes of what she tells me.
So the plot thickens - she tells me a bit more about the arrangements with Mr H and what he advised her, and I begin to smell a whole nest of rats about it. The idea about snakes came from him, and that seems a bit of a big coincidence to me, plus the fact that there was a snake charmer performing just down the road as well, just to make Orpheus jealous. Snake charmers aren't common round here - so I wonder where he came from ? Thought crosses my mind that maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here, but it all seems too neat, too organised to me. So I make a note to try to find out a bit more about snakes and who might control them.

There's more to follow....

Tony turns detective

So where do I start ? Obviously Aphrodite will pick up the message from Artemis - but do I let on I've heard it too ? What do I try to find out, and who from ? How do you ask innocent questions of a goddess without them spotting a mile off what you're up to ? Can I find a way of listening in to her conversations without her knowing? Going to have to think about it for a while, at least - barins not always my strong suit, in case you were wondering - don't often have to use them to get what I want.

While i'm thinking about how to be innocent and ask, decide it's probably worth doing a bit of research on what actually happened - I know from talking to Eurydice what happened to her, and there will be records up top about how she died and all that. So my first port of call is the coroner's office to look at records.
So what do they say ? She was poisoned - some very rare poison that they don't see very often, once in a few hundred years, the records say. At first they thought it was a snakebite, two puncture wounds in the ankle, but there was no sign of snake venom. Then they founf the third puncture wound, right in the middle of the other two, and that was wherew the poison had been. According to the examiner, it looked a bit like a dart, or possibly a very small arrow - but they'd not found anything at the scene. Down on their records as "suspicious" with cause of death "unknown"

Now I know a little bit about how these goddesses work, and it sounded to me as if this missing dart or arrow could have been one of Artemis's. I know she's always going on about this secret weapon of hers, the invisible killer, the one she's used a few times to carry out "hits" for other gods - both before and after they changed the rules - before they did, she would do it and boast about it ( but not up top) and afterwards she'd hint at it, so that everyone knew she had really done it, but couldn't actually prove it.

So I had a look at the analysis of the poison - and it matched cases I knew she'd done - ones she'd done before it was illegal to do it. So that was the first bit sorted. Eurydice was killed by Artemis, using one of her secret arrows, and Aphrodite was in on it, to get her own back on Orpheus's mum.

Right, so far so good, but what next ? How come Artemis seemed to know when to do the hit ? Snakes with no poison aren't that common - and they certainly don't commit suicide by biting someone at an engagement do, when there's loads of people around with sticks and stuff to bash them. And how come those wasps turned up when she was being rescued ? It's all a bit too obvious if you ask me.

Maybe I need to go back down for a visit and ask Eurydice a few questions about how it all happened - I am allowed back there once in a while, as long as I don't stay too long - kind of like parole in a way - while I'm up here, I'm not supposed to be down there and vice versa, but a quick visit should be OK - only issue is how I wangle it to meet Eurydice without making everyone suspicious....better work on that one too. Now that's two things to sort out....

What Tony found out....

So what was it that was so big and scary that I had to stop talking just now ? In my view, something that makes the assassination of JFK seem like small beer - and what's more, something that someone can actually do something about.

I know what the rules are for Gods and mortals and this one breaks almost all of them at once.

The only question for me is whether I tell about it - go public, in other words, or whether I use what I know to make them do the right thing without the shame of the public knowing what they get up to.

Either way, my relationship with Aphrodite won't ever be the same, and going back downstairs will be different because Mr H is in it up to his neck, and he won't be best pleased with me whatever I do, plus there's a couple of other gods who might have it in for me a bit more than they have now, and they aren't the sort of gods you really want to piss off too much. So what do I do ?

If I tell you what I know, maybe you could tell me what I ought to do next - you know, some sort of popular vote, like on reality TV, only where the vote tells me what people want me to do about it. So let's go with that for now - whether I consider myslef bound by your decision is, at this point anyway, up to me.

So - here goes.

One day, when we were resting after a bit of a frolic (a romp, the tabloids would call it) Aphrodite's mobile goes off. Normally she just switches it off, but this time she was asleep and it went through to voicemail - and for some weird reason, her phone was on speaker so I could hear every word. It was Artemis, and she was asking her, first of all, how things were going, whether she was still enjoying having me around, and saying that if she'd got fed up of me, to pass me on to her - she could think of a few things she'd like to do before she let them kill me again. Like I said, irresistible to the opposite sex, and sometimes I wish I wasn't. I want someone to actually like me for who I am rather than just that face and body, but enough of my problems.

She went on to gloat about how everything had gone OK with the "mission" she'd been asked to do - how it had all gone according to plan and that she had heard (and I quote) "the son of that bitch Calliope" was wishing he'd never been born - his girlfriend was dead as a doornail and couldn't be rescued again and he thought it was all his fault. And she laughed about that - the poor sap, she said, he hasn't got a clue, has he ?
She asked Aphrodite to get back to her about things when she had a minute and hung up.

Now I know my nymphs ( I know quite a lot of nymphos too, but this bit is just about nymphs) and I knew all about what Calliope had done - after all, she was the reason I was able to spend two thirds of my time up here and only one third down there, so I was a bit intrigued as to what might have been going on here.
I knew Aphrodite wasn't that keen on her, she'd wanted me up here the whole time, and that Ares was well pissed off because he wanted me down there the whole time - well, away from his other half anyway, which was why he'd killed me himself.
I also knew that Mr H wasn't too pleased either, because he'd wanted Lady P a bit more to himself - well, to start with, anyway, and Lady P had wanted me there more of the time, and one third wasn't really enough for her, so I knew she hadn't made any friends with the gods.
From her point of view it was always going to be a no-win situation for her, let's face it.

But what was all this about her stitching up her son and killing his girlfriend ? You could understand the revenge aspect of it, but who were they ?

It didn't hit me at first, I just thought it was a bit odd, felt sorry for whoever it was, since Aphrodite and Artemis between them would do a good job on fixing things - they would certainly stay fixed. Then I had a rather nasty thought - I had a feeling I knew who her son was, so I asked around a bit, as you do, and found out that Calliope's son was called Orpheus. Immediate alarm bells. I know it's not a common name, but there could be more than one, so I checked a bit more, and found out that it was that Orpheus, Eurydice's Orpheus.

Then it really did hit me - something seriously dodgy had been going on, and because of it, Eurydice was really dead. And that wasn't right, not in my book, not something she deserved, Godesses ganging up on her. So I decided it was time to find out what had really happened - do the detective bit - while keeping myself out of it, so that I could live to tell the tale as it were - when gods have got it in for you, they usually manage to get you eventually - the trick is to stay alive as long as possible and make them cheat, make them break the rules in an obvious way so you can keep yourself alive and intact. I know it was something I hadn't done very well myself, which was why I was here, but I needed to do it for her - she hadn't got anyone else who knew enough to sort it out.

Him ? Waste of time. Last thing I heard, he was off wandering in the north, Thrace or somewhere like that, playing sad songs to whoever would listen, and that he really, really had it in for women - telling blokes not to get involved with them - not exactly a smart move, in my opinion, only lead to trouble, but you could understand it - he was badly hurt by it all and didn't have the strength to fight any more.

So it was down to me - and I knew something secret that could blow everything to bits.
Now all I had to do was follow up the story and ask Aphrodite some innocent questions - then I've got the real problem of deciding what to do next.....

Tony finds something out

Couldn't stop thinking about Eurydice - it all seemed so unfair - yes, I know she was stupid to have done that deal with Mr H and pretend to be dead, but she didn't deserve what happened to her, not the way it did just when it all seemed to be going right.
I had very bad feelings about what happened then, and did say something to Mr H about it, but he wasn't impressed - in fact he threatened to tell both of the women in my life that I'd actually had it off with her - and the problem was that I knew they'd believe him - they both know how women find me irresistible, and would believe any story about someone throwing themselves at me - and that just once in a while I might respond - and the fact that I'd spoken to Lady P about her to try and make sure she escaped would be seen as more evidence against me...so I backed off pretty quickly. He also made it abundantly clear that I was expected up top, as it were, for my annual appearance to keep the crops growing, and that saying any fond goodbyes to dead people would not be welcome, so I just got out of there before anything else happened. Felt bad that I'd not seen her before I went, but there wasn't a lot I could say - she was off my caseload anyway, so I couldn't really help. All I was hoping is that by the time I got back down there she'd come to terms with where she was and had let go a bit of that anger. A bit optimistic maybe, but time does that to most people in the end.

Anyway, Aphrodite was really pleased to see me and things went pretty OK for a month or two, then, all of a sudden, I found something out that changed everything, something so big and so scary I just couldn't let it go - and it has major implications for several gods, for me and for Eurydice too. I'll tell you all about it next time - got to go now, before I get spotted talking to you.

Hooray - it's story time at last

You probably thought I'd never finish it - you might be right, but at least I'm going to start finishing the end or something like that. Had to re-read the last bit because it's been so long since I wrote it....seems Ok - so, deep breath and here we go.

Been here a while now, seems like a very long time. That's the problem with being down here - time seems to move at a very different speed from up there. I tried a calendar, or even scratching lines on the wall to keep track, but days aren't days down here, which kind of throws it all out. There isn't any sunrise or sunset, it's all some kind of grey, like the sort of day when you know it's going to rain all day, but it never quite does. The only way you can work out that it's tomorrow is by going down to the ferry and looking at the passenger lists. They've all got a date and time on them - because they only give counselling to people for the first couple of weeks and so they know when people are ready to move out of Asphodel and on to wherever. I suppose you could say it's a bit like sleep deprivation - you don't actually get any - but that's because you're not really awake either - except the name of the game down here is life deprivation - the purpose of it is that after a while you start forgetting who you think you are, probably because you aren't them any more, and things kind of seem to be out of focus.
They tried to explain it to me, during one of those marathon counselling sessions they still go in for - the "how to come to terms with never, ever, being alive again" ones that they seem to enjoy making me go through because I'm still playing hard to get, still trying to deny my lack of mortality - my demise, my departure from the land of the living, my inability to breathe, eat, sleep, do anything - my death, they call it. They keep reminding me not to have any expectations of things changing, but I'm still kicking - although I'm not alive.

So why am I still holding out ? I can still remember how I ended up down here - the deal that went wrong and the failed rescue, and I'm still very, very, angry about it all. They tell me that's how you end up haunting places, being angry, but there isn't anywhere I want to haunt, or anyone either. I saw the look on his face as I was dragged screaming back down here, and it was the sort of face you don't want to ever see again - all hope gone, the light behind the eyes fading although he was still alive, the realisation that it was all down to him in the end and he'd failed me...it was too much to bear. Can't do action replays of that, no way, not at all.
Maybe that's why I'm so angry - I'm so aware that I got myself into this mess to get at him, and it got at me - I became my own nemesis - and it serves me right. That's one hell of an anger to come to terms with.

So what is he up to anyway ? I'm still allowed up there once in a while, just to see ( I think Mr H does it to torture me because I turned him down) and it's not that rosy for him either. I was worried that he'd get off with that cow next door, but he seems not to be in the least interested in her or in anybody else of the opposite sex - not even his music, it's all going wrong for him too. Last time he played anything, instead of charming the wild beasts, one of them came up and bit him. Quite nasty it was. Obviously lost his touch there too.
She's tried throwing herself at him a couple of times, but he pointed out, firmly, gently and very, very, sadly that she was a married woman and that he thought her husband was expecting her to wait for him. After the second time it happened, I think she took the hint. She didn't look too pleased about it though. So Penny's off the menu. He seems to be sadder than I've ever known him - there's that empty look in his eyes, the thousand mile stare, I think they call it - someone who's seen something and felt something they wish they hadn't. Which indeed he has - plus he thought it would be easy to sort out, bringing me back, what with his powers and his half-godness - and it's all turned out wrong, and he blames himself. If only he hadn't showed off about charming snakes, or messed around with Penny, or turned round to look at that crucial moment, that's what's eating away at him - the what ifs, the if onlys and the why did I's - and none of them bring any comfort. I don't need to haunt him, he's there haunting himself. Which isn't what I want for him - at least he did try - and I think that if he knew the truth, what really happened, he might feel different about it - so I ask about telling him, in a dream as it were, what actually happened, but apparently I'm not allowed to. The rules ( surprise, surprise - as interpreted by Mr H, I reckon) don't allow that, it's "interfering with the living and their coping mechanisms for your dying in a way that's incompatible with being dead" they tell me, and now I really am dead, I'm having to comply a bit more than I did. They do have power over me down here - and it's miserable enough without making it unbearable.

Apparently the only time I would be allowed to tell him is if he was going to top himself because of it - and then only after he'd started - you know, that bit when the whole of your life flashes before your eyes - that's when you can butt in, apparently, and point out it's not their fault - which might change their mind about dying - but whether they make it out alive or not depends on the method they've used to try to do it, and whether they can stop it somehow - and if they don't make it, you've just spilt the beans on what really happened, so when they do get down her they're not going to be happy about it, not at all - sounds more than a bit hit and miss if you ask me, too many chances of it all going wrong. Let's just hope he doesn't do anything like that. I'm sure Mr H would love telling me that he was - and he'd probably insist on me confessing, too, especially if it was pointless - he'd probably find something in the rule book that meant I had to.


So back down here, I'm struggling to keep myself from going native with the dead people - every session with the counsellors pushes me closer to the edge of forgetting that I'm really still alive -I didn't really die - somebody cheated, and I shouldn't be here. I would say it was a gut reaction, but they aren't where I thought they'd be - I'm still making the jokes about PMs, althought they aren't really that funny any more. I just feel that it's not right and that someone will sort it all out - it's all been a big mistake and all that.
Tony's not been around for a while - he got sent back up to be killed again ( like he does every year) not long after the rescue went wrong, so he's up there having a great time messing about with Aphrodite, waiting for the right time of year, and because of that Lady P down here is miserable as sin. I reckon there's still a few months to go, too. All comes down to pomegranates in the end, but I'm not saying that to her, well, not to her face anyway.

As for the DRC, the club I wanted to set up, most of them have moved on to the Fields already, wimps, none of them got the persistence to hang around in Asphodel and kick against it.

So that's it from me for now, I'll let you know any developments - assuming there are some. I've nicked the counsellors' guidebook and scripts, so maybe I'll tell you more about them next time....

Alternative endings revisited

So how does it all end ? So far, you've got the traditional ending of the myth, ay least as far as Eurydice is concerned. She's dead and in the underworld. According to the myth, she is reunited with Orpheus when he dies - killed by Thracian women for one reason or another - and his head floating down a river to the sea with his harp...nice story...not how I'd choose to go, but that's myths for you.
I suppose the question is how long does it take to happen, and what is Eurydice doing in the meantime? Does time travel at the same pace for dead people ? The myths don't say - The waters of Lethe are supposed to bring forgetfulness - but it would seem they're not exclusive to dead people. But if memory goes when you die, why would you want to be reunited with former lovers? You wouldn't have a clue who they were, would you ? And they wouldn't know who you were either. But if memory doesn't go, it must be truly awful down there - always remembering what it's like to be alive and not able to do any of it. Maybe that's what hell really is ? Sounds pretty bad to me - mind you, that could just be down to a lack of patience on my part - I always want to know the answer NOW .

Maybe I need to say what I think about afterlife and so on. I kind of picked up some buddhist ideas somewhere back in my (misspent) youth - and part of that was a view about death and reincarnation - and choice. Until you get it right - the why you are here question - you go round and round - each time you come back, you've got a lesson to learn and that's why things happen to you. If you get it right, you get to choose between not coming back ever again and becoming part of the energy that moves the universe, or coming back to do it all again - only you're not allowed to remember how it was supposed to work. That's one idea - hell is a place on earth ( sorry Belinda, you've got it wrong - spot the quote again) and it's wherever you are right now because it's what you need to learn. But then sometimes I wonder if hell is somewhere else - it's the place you end up in where everyone else is happy and you're not - they're all watching Eastenders and Hollyoaks when you want to watch the football and vice versa - and there's no escape from it.
I suppose it depends on how much you think god or gods or whatever punish people for getting it wrong.
The next question is to ask what "wrong" actually is - are things happening because of your choices or are you doing things to other people because it's what they need to learn ? You could justify just about any crap behaviour you want if you go along that - it's not me, it's what you deserve and I am the agent of nemesis....if you hear voices saying that it's definitely time to stop and get help - but how unreasonable is it ?
I guess inside we all know the answer - it's not a "good" thing to hurt people - in any way, certainly not if you know that's what you'll do, but there's still that choice - are you sure that doing the opposite won't end up hurting them even more? In the end, I guess you just do what you can when you can, for the best reasons you can. That's what I try to do - he said - maybe seeking to justify himself for doing things he thinks are wrong - no, maybe knows aren't quite right, but the alternative seems so much worse. Torn in two - decisions made, but it still hurts, still eats away at the nerves - it will do, right up till the end and possibly even after that. Lots of things to talk about, but nothing to say - back to the beginning - and this started off as an ending for the story - maybe I really can't stop talking about myself ? Is there anyone out there ?

Dead Rebels

So call up the members of the club - this is time to revisit the Romeo and Juliet story I think - where she was playing dead and he killed himself instead of trying to find her, which meant she was stuck down there - she'd done a dodgy deal with Hades too, because of family stuff and ended up dead because she hadn't sussed out what could happen - so this space could also include Heathcliff and Cathy ( cue kate bush), Cleopatra and Mark Antony, Anna Karenina - any more for any more ? and if we want to go contemporary, who better than Paula Yates and ( whisper it) Princess Diana - more dodgy deals about death that didn't work out - and Mr H down there rubbing his hands about all the pretty ladies who can't escape his realm - anyone got any more tragically suicidal heroines ?
Ruling out Sylvia Plath - not accidental - she meant it !!

Can't resist quoting Dorothy Parker on suicide :

Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp -
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful -
You might as well live !!

I like her wit - she once described an actress as going through the whole gamut of emotions from A to B - ouch!! and on being told of the death of (President) Calvin Coolidge she asked " How could they tell ? "
When told about the halloween activity of ducking for apples, commented, "
Change one letter in that sentence and you've got the story of my life"....and, at a society party "If I have one more drink, I'll be under the host" smart lady....or possibly : "That woman speaks 18 languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."

What happens next - the Dead Rebels Club ?

So blackness again - and this time, when I come out of it, I somehow know that it's done with. Life, that is. Had my chance to escape, and blew it - or he did it for me. Why did it have to be wasps? Everybody knows I hate them and that I'm bound to react the way I did. Especially a certain god down here - can't help thinking he had something - well, more than something actually - to do with it. This idea is kind of supported by the fact that he turns up again just after I come round, saying "so you do know what it is then, buzz, buzz - shame about the sting - never mind, you'll soon get used to it down here" in that stupid voice he used the first time.
I want to knock his stupid head off, ram his teeth down his throat and so on, but something stops me - the knowledge that he's in charge down here and it wouldn't be smart to piss him off too much in case he really does get nasty, because that could mean Tartarus or worse for me.
Looks like I've got to settle down to being a nice happy dead person and prepare myself for a life ( well, not really, but it's the only way I can describe it) of excitement - like waiting to see who's died this week and taking long walks in the fields or doing nothing much, just wandering around like a ghost. Great. I always wanted to do that.
The Bereavement Counsellors have come back too - this time, because there's no chance of a rescue, they seem to be a bit more aggressive - telling me that my first death set rather a bad example and that I've got to sort myself out and really make death my friend this time. Bastards. I still feel the same - cheated and betrayed by people I trusted - and I want to kick and scream and tell them where to go, but, once again, something stops me. Same worry - if I really annoy them, they can make my life hell - and this time I can't get away from them. So I say sorry, that I didn't think I was really dead last time, that's why I behaved like that and can we start again ? Clean slate ? They seem to be really pleased with that answer, tell me it's nice to see I've finally come to terms with my death and give me some more helpful advice about how to join the Elysian club, whihc it would seem, is the most fun you can have round here. Apparently it beats the hell out of mindless wandering, low-pitched moaning and staring into space which is all a lot of dead people get to do. So I ask what the benefits are, and they tell me that you go for long walks, have the chance to look at things and chat about them with other dead people. Can't see the difference myself, but they obviously can, so I won't argue with them about it, just put my name on the list. They leave me with a really helpful book - "One hundred things you didn't know dead people can do".
I read it. The title wasn't quite right - it was more like five things dead people can do, in twenty different ways and places. Oddly enough, mindless wandering, moaning and staring into space were three of the five - although they didn't say that in so many words, but "non-directed perambulation", "vocalisation pitched below the treble register" and "spatially directed visualisation" seem the same to me, just dressed up as things you might like to do. No way do I want to do any of them. Ever.

So now what do I do - I'm really dead and there's no second chance of being rescued.
What am I going to do? I still feel like I'm alive, in the wrong place and all that, but how long can I hold out ?
Just had a thought - maybe I could start a Dead Rebels Club - for people who were really pissed off about being dead and who need to have somewhere to escape the boredom - people who want to disrupt the cosy world of deadness and stir things up a bit. I check up with the rule book I was given ( again) and it doesn't say you can't, just that you can't take the arguments up there or down into the Fields because it would give the wrong impression. Well, maybe I'll play ball, or maybe I won't.
So I decide I'm going to advertise for members for the Club - I need a good few to make it all worth while, and each of them must have a story to tell - I reckon some of these stories will be a bit off, but at least what counts for their heart is in the right place.
Which from my experience means it will have been put back somewhere other than where it came from. As I said earlier, that tends to be what post-mortems do for you. Anyway, once the club is is up and running we'll shake things up a bit down here!!

Talking about stories

So what about Eurydice ( not me, the one in the story) Should there be a twist in the myth and a different ending? If so, what would that ending be? Reunion with Orpheus or a life with Tony ? Having re-read some of the Orpheus myth, thanks to the Wikipedia link, it looks like, other than being one of the Argonauts, where he out-sang the sirens, he was gay - at least after her, anyway. Various endings have him being killed by women for different reasons - either to do with religion or sexuality.

So the alternative plots relate to Tony finding out that his mistress (Aphrodite) had got it in for Calliope (Orpheus's mum) because of her judgement about Tony's time - and hired someone to bump Eurydice off, using a poisoned dart. This is against the rules ( Mortal Rights Act) so Tony tells the top gods and Eurydice is allowed to go back regardless. Who she ends up with is open to debate, I guess. Alternatively, there is a plot between Aphrodite and Hades about Calliope (again) to mess with Eurydice so Hades sets the wasp trap ( not in the myth, that one) which is against the rules, so she's allowed back.
Third option is that Hades did it alone to keep her down there either because he fancies her or our of revenge on Calliope (again) because he wanted Persephone all to himself. Also against the rules. Tony finds out and once again, she's allowed back.

Please tell me what you think - or should I just let her die and move on ?
Comments are always welcome. This assumes someone is actually reading this though...

Nearly There - so close and yet

So there we are, on the ferry. His family cabaret deal with the ferryman seems to have held - they exchange contact details so that he can set it up for later- and after a little while we're on the opposite bank. Because we're going the opposite way out, you have to push through the crowds of people waiting to go in, who all seem to be saying that they thought the road only went one way, and they do have a point, I suppose. But if you ignore the one-way and no entry signs, and start walking uphill, you can just about catch a glimpse of something real, something that ripples on the walls and shimmers - daylight, sunshine, the real world, a place dead people don't live ( yes I know that doesn't make sense as a phrase, but you know what I mean) and that's where I want to get back to - I don't belong down here at all.
He's walking about four or five steps ahead of me, facing the front, making it very obvious that he's not looking any way but ahead.
One problem for me - seeing as how I haven't actually got my body back yet, I'm kind of taking it on trust that I will look the same as I did before I died - not after that post-mortem - there would be really visible scars that just wouldn't look right up there. Then there's the question of what I'm wearing. When I asked, they said it was the clothes you wore at your funeral, but these things I've got on my feet don't feel like Jimmy Choos at all - I'd better have them on when I do finally get up there or someone's going to pay big style. Same with the hairstyle and makeup. I hated how I looked at my funeral, so I asked about it and they said I could request a specialist pre-return to life session to get those bits right. Let's just hope they did - I certainly wouldn't want to re-enter the world of the living looking like a hag or worse.
You're probably wondering who I asked - it wasn't the Guardians of Death, it was a little organisation called "Getting Your LIfe Back" - they don't have many clients, about one every thousand years they reckon, so it's probably a good job that they're dead - they wouldn't live long enough to do more than one client otherwise. If you'll pardon me, a real dead-end job, waiting all that time for someone to show up and then after a couple of sessions, its all done and dusted.

So you can see what my priorities are - I want to be drop-dead gorgeous when I get back up there- and there are a few people I wouldn't mind seeing drop dead when I get back there. I won't give you any clues, but you probably get my drift....is it that obvious ?

So there we are, half way up the slope, that glow getting a bit brighter all the time and I can feel my body coming back - just a bit at a time. It's kind of hard to describe - one minute you can't feel anything, the next there's a sort of pins and needles tingle starting deep inside and you know it's working. When I move my arm, I can feel the air - so I reach up and touch my own face and I can feel something - this is really amazing. It's the best feeling I think I've ever had - bar none - well, coming back from the dead must kind of overshadow most experiences, mustn't it ?
I look down and I can see my own feet and the shoes start feeling like the real thing - and they look right too.
He's walking just ahead of me, keeping his eyes straight ahead, and he's ignoring all the noises behind him - the roars of demons, the screeches of harpies - and not looking back to check that I'm OK at all.

We're getting even closer now, and I can feel the breeze on my face and in my hair, and the sunlight's beginning to feel warm too. Not much further now and I'm back.

Then it happens.

The nightmare.

The end of all my hopes.

The bastards. Them and him down here.

I've just gone past this rock on the right hand side of the tunnel when there's this horrible whining, buzzing sound. I have a horrible feeling that I know what it is - and what's worse, who put them there. I can't prove it, but I don't honestly think wasps would normally make a nest in the tunnel that leads to the underworld. At least, not off their own bat, that is - someone must have put them up to it. Can't think who that could be - other than someone who knows a lot about me and what I hate !
So as he goes past, a couple of them fly out and whizz round his head a few times. He tries to whack them with his hands, to knock them out of the way, but he misses. Don't know whether they sting him or not, he carries on regardless. So far, so good.

But then it's my turn - only it's not a couple, it's the whole f****ing nest of them. They come out of there like an express train and within seconds they're in my hair, all over my face, on my arms - you name it, they're there.
I'm trying my hardest not to freak out, because, as you know, I hate them so much - so I'm trying not to yell and scream and attract attention - trying not to give him any reason to turn and look back. Please don't let that happen, please- I can hear myself saying it - we're so close now
It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't got most of my body and my feelings back - they wouldn't be able to touch me, or, if they did, I wouldn't notice, but I'm nearly all together again. So when one of them stings me, I can feel it. It hurts. Then when the other fifty or so all sting me at once, I don't really have any choice - I scream really loud. "Ow, Get away from me"
And that's when it happened. Like a slow-motion replay, you could see the scream register- he froze, paused, then, an inch at a time, you could see his head turn to look - I was fighting with the wasps too, so I didn't have the chance to shout to him not to do it, but when I did it was hopeless - he just kep turning and then I could see his eyes and I knew it was too late. All over. Finished.
The gentle breeze I could feel on my skin, the breeze that had promised so much, suddenly turned into a hurricane and blew me back down the tunnel so fast my feet didn't touch the ground until I was across the river. The light, that glow from the world above the ground, that hope for a future, grew ragged and turned into grey and black shadows, shrieking and wailing on the wind as it span into a web of darkness. All I could remember was the look on his face as I disappeared - he looked so lost, so beaten, so despairing, in fact he looked the same as quite a few of the people down here - the really dead ones, that is.
And then there was blackness, just like the first time, only this time it felt like a relief, like it was all over, like it was time to give up and be dead.

That's it. the end

Well maybe

The Way Back

So we're about to set off. There's a few goodbyes I've got to say - Tony for a start - he's been a really big help in getting this sorted out, so I go and see him, tell him how I feel and say thanks. He's obviously a bit surprised about how I feel - maybe he didn't realise quite what an impression he made. What I told him was that if my hero hadn't turned up to rescue me, that I would have quite happily let him do whatever he wanted - well, within reason- and I think he appreciated that. Anyway, we parted on pretty good terms.
On my way back to the ferry, who should I bump into but Mr H, who was not happy at all. I told him that we had done a deal way back then, and that we had shaken hands on it , so he should be honest enough to let me go now I'd made my point. What he said to me didn't exactly fill me with hope though - he said that the deal was that he wouldn't look back before you both get out of here. and that that hasn't happened yet, has it, so I would suggest you don't count your chickens just yet, Mmm?
Like I said, not promising.
I reminded him that he'd promised not to interfere - not to do the "Look behind you" pantomime stuff - that he'd agreed to play it straight. He reminded me that he was the God down here, and that although he might have promised personally not to do anything, there were loads of things that could happen on the last bit of the journey that could make it all go wrong, and that he had no control of things like that. Or no responsibility, anyway. Then he reminded me about the snakes, and how they had got it a bit wrong.

So I'm now more than a bit worried that something bad is going to happen on the way up - that no matter what, I'm ending up back down here on a permanent basis, so I go back in to see Tony. He's packing. Says Mr H has told him he can go up top a week or so early this year - apparently the crops up there need a bit of a boost - so he won't be around for three or four months anyway. He says he'll send me a postcard - just in case I don't make it. Thanks, just what I need. So now what ? Looks like I've go to just go for it and hope, so I make my way to the ferry - hoping against hope it all works out ok and that he just keeps on walking and doesn't turn back. Me? I just need to make sure I don't do, say ( or scream) anything that might make him.
I'd like to warn him about things - but apparently I can't - against the rules. You don't need to ask who made up these rules, do you.
So I get to the ferry, and there he is , waiting to start the journey. We still can't touch or talk, but we can look.
So I do.
Lots.
Let's hope he can read my mind through my eyes!!

I'll tell you what happens very soon.

Absolutely nothing to do with history

So who do I quote from? Anyone who uses words I want to use, when the meaning is right. I know lots of words, but sometimes somebody else said what I wanted to say really well, and it makes sense to let them say it. Sometimes it's songs, sometimes it's poetry - check back on what I think about when they are the same - or not. I've quoted from lots of different people all the way through this - but not in the story - that's all mine ( for better or worse) no point in quoting if you're trying to be original - let's face it, I've borrowed the plot, up to a point, so I need to use my own words - otherwise it's not remotely original.

So where have I borrowed the plots from ? Myths perhaps - I know what they are - but some of them I've twisted a bit to fit a story. The myths are stuff I read when I was a kid - plus stuff I've checked on later - research, maybe. This bit may spoil it all for you - or is it just me showing off again ? Check the myths about Orpheus, Odysseus and Adonis. If you can't find them, try Wikipedia - I've tried to use them to make up a story - they are not actually connected that way, but it seemed like fun. Maybe it works sometimes.
I've always wanted to buy a Greece national football top with the number 0 and the name "Kanenas" on the back - it means "nobody". Check Odysseus's myth and you'll get the joke.
Orpheus's myth doesn't end well for him - but I'm not sure I'll tell it all - but his mum was the nymph that made the decision about Adonis, so it's quite possible she pissed off some of the gods at that time - and that they wanted to get their own back. It's worth a try.
You can tell me if it adds up. Feel free.
Just in case, I'll put a link to Wikipedia on the site so you can find them - just type the names in.

Almost there - on the way, anyway

So how good is he ? I've told you before how he could charm the birds and all - well, he is that good - even down here. You would honestly think his life depended on it. He even has me going more than a bit.
When he's about half way through ( I know how his songs go, usually) I look across at the two who matter - she's so obviously in tears that I know it's OK - him? well he's trying his best not to let anything show, but I can detect a little lump in his throat - he's kind of breathing a bit more heavily than usual, but I guess he'll deny it all at the end, just to make the point and keep me down here. He really isn't playing fair at all. Looking across at Tony, you can see he's on the verge of tears himself, and he's giving Mr H dirty looks - he knows what he's up to !
Anyway, the song finishes and he stands there waiting for an answer. Before Mr H can say anything, the others say how much it moved them and kind of make it difficult for him to say it didn't. Mind you, he is in charge, so his word goes -let's just hope he listens to what they say and agrres to let me go after all.
You can see him thinking very hard about it - like when he was going to say "No" before - then his other half comes up to him and whispers in his ear and the look on his face changes. Just like that. Looks like Tony's done his bit like I asked him to, and she's sussed his plan - and she's not about to let him get away with it. Now you can see him looking more than a little pissed off with it - he can't get what he wants, because she won't let him ( I wouldn't have, anyway, but she doesn't know that - I'd be much more likely to head off with Tony - she certainly doesn't need to know that !!) so his only thing now is whether he screws things up for me just because he can - I don't think he'll dare do it out in the open, she'd never speak to him again - but I do know he's more than a bit sneaky when he wants to be. We'd better watch out, I think.
I look across to my hero and he's looking back at me, with the sort of look I used to die for ( before I did, that is) and it just makes me turn over inside and go all soppy... don't ask

Anyway, after a minute or two ( must have been that quick , but it seemed like eternity to me) Mr H makes his mind up. He says that the song's good enough to make him let me go back - says he's earned the right to take me with him, but that he's got to make sure he doesn't look back, not even once, or the deal's off for ever and no second chance. Sounds fair enough to me, it's in line with what we agreed all the way back then, but I've got a bad feeling about him - I don't trust him at all.
He knows he can't have me, but that doesn't mean he won't try and mess things up for me, just out of spite - well, you don't get to be king of the dead without that sort of thing...
At this point, me and my hero ought to be in each other's arms, but since I haven't got any, and he can't actually hold me, we have to make do with looks. I know how he feels, and I think he knows the same about me. Now it's just ( as if it was that easy) a matter of getting up to the sunshine without him turning back to look at me. I just hope he can do it- that he's strong and confident enough not to worry about things. It's time to start that journey - let's go !

Now Where Were We ?

So the last time we spoke, I was just getting myself ready for his big moment - the bit where he has to really strut his musical stuff in front of kings and queens so that I can escape with him.

So you're going to want to know what happened, aren't you.

Do you want to know all of it - do you want me to tell you how it all ended, or just the next bit for now ? I
t's no big secret about the ending, I told you right at the beginning - but I can't help thinking you might not have quite remembered that without going back and checking - you just did, didn't you!
I knew you would. So is there any point telling you what happened next, now you know the end ? You could try skipping forward now to the real ending and see if it's still the same -
well, is it ?
You did it again, didn't you - only this time there isn't one yet. You'll just have to read the rest of it now and find out.

So I'm looking my best - which has been a bit of an effort, given that I've been dead for quite a few days now and, if I'm being brutally honest, death doesn't do a lot for your looks after a while, and what's worse, you stop caring about it too - so it was a struggle - as you haven't got a body you can't really use mirrors to see how you look - they just stay blank - so you have to guess - or ask someone and hope they tell the truth. Good job I've made a few friends down here now.

On my way down there, I hope that Tony's managed to get hold of herself and pass on my message - at least she might be on my side when it comes to decision time.
So in I go - there's this big space with seats all around - a bit like a concert hall - except there's no-one there except the king and queen of the dead, Tony, me and him.
Now he's seen me, and I'm really touched - he looks like he's seen a ghost, which I guess he has, but he looks so sad and cute and he so obviously wants to reach out to me - he even stretches out a hand, but there's nothing he can touch ( well, not yet, anyway) and he seems to realise this and pulls it back. Then Mr H asks the big question ( I know he already knows the answer, but he's supposed to ask it anyway) "Why are you here" and himself tells him the story ( which Mr H listens to as if he didn't know) and says he can't manage without me by his side, and that he wants to take me back up there. Is there any chance ?
Mr H is about to say "No" - you can tell by the way he shapes his mouth - which is certainly not what I thought he'd agreed, the git, when his other half gives him a sharp kick just under the ankle and he winces and says " One Chance" and then, after a short pause, tells him that there is a chance.

He's got to play and sing a song.

It's got to be so good it makes them both cry.

Then, and only then, I can go back with him, just as long as he doesn't look back once to make sure I'm there me behind him. He's got to trust me.

So now he knows. He gives me a longing look ( it's really sweet, actually, I'd forgotten quite how it made me feel when he did that) and he starts off his song.
That's the point I think I'll leave it for now - you're going to have to wait for the next bit....

Loverboy finally makes it down here

I just heard the news from Mr H. He's finally got here - well, he's on his way down the tunnel that leads to the river. He's coming to rescue me from here. And about time too, I say to myself. Actually, I'm not sure whether I want to laugh or cry at this point - my feelings are all confused and mixed up - it seems such a long time since I saw him and I can't help wondering how I'm going to feel when I finally do. I'm not sure whether I'm going to throw myself into his arms and let him hold me for ever or give him a good slap for what he's been up to since I went away.
Mr H isn't a lot of help here, other than giving me the news. I told him that I wanted to see him as soon as possible, but he says I've got to wait until he's actually down here, across the river, past the guard dog and all that. He says the rules won't allow me to appear before he gets all the way here. Personally, I think he's making it up as he goes along, but I can't really argue with him right now. He says that if I showed up before then I might distract him - either he'd lose concentration and mess things up or he'd take one look at me, see a dead body, change his mind, run away and not come back. Thanks for that, I thought - that gives me a lot of confidence about how things could go. So I try to get him to let me at least watch him do the business but make sure he doesn't see me, so I don't put him off. He's not keen, but he eventually gives in - but I've got to agree to stay invisible and that I won't try to attract his attention or cheat in any way at all and, what's more, he's going to come up with me to make sure I don't. Like I said, he makes it up as he goes along.

So off I go to get ready, put all my best stuff on - all the stuff I know he'll like and remember - and make sure the make-up's spot on after all, a girl's got to look her best, even when she is invisible - maybe especially when she is invisible - it's a confidence thing, don't ask.

When I manage to get to the river bank, he's already half way across - he's managed to charm the old guy who works the ferry even though he's not got the right money for the fare and he's very obviously not dead.
I find out afterwards that when he got to the place the ferry starts from he asked for a return ticket, which made the old guy nearly wet himself, because no-one ever gets one - he doesn't do them - at first he just thought it was a big laugh and that this guy didn't really understand the rules. So he let him on the boat, without having to pay, thinking to himself that he'd be in for a really nasty shock when he got to the other side,as it were. No way back, there for the duration. But during the crossing, though, they got into talking about things like music, life and death and he explained why he was coming down here and the old guy took pity on him ( and me, too) and promised he'd help him get back if he could - but the price of that was that he had to perform at a family do for him. I didn't ask what sort of do it was, or what the music would be - I just had a feeling it would be a bit weird all round, but that was his business - just as long as the deal held when it mattered, and that it was for two passengers, he could agree to whatever he liked.

Then he landed on the other side of the river and I got a good look at him for the first time for what felt like ages. It was really difficult not to let him know I was there - I had a terrible urge just to rush up to him and hold him so tight - and he looked so good, if a little thinner and rather tired - well, he had been travelling for a few days and was a bit - To be honest, it just brought back all the old feelings I had for him, and in my own mind I think I forgave him straight away for what had happened with Mrs Nobody - he must have been devastated by what happened to me- and I felt more than a bit guilty about what I'd put him through by doing that deal with the snakes and all that. Mr H must have read my thoughts and he nudged me to remind me of the deal I'd agreed to. No touching, no showing up. Not fair.
So now he's got his feet on dry land again, part one accomplished, and all he's got to do now is avoid getting chewed by the guard dog. The last person to try got turned into three portions of dog food, one for each head, and never made it any further - well, not alive, anyway.

So now it's the real test, and he's got to sing for his supper - well, more like sing not to be something else's supper, and I've got to just watch while it happens. He's off to a good start, obviously not lost the powers he had up there, and after a couple of minutes he's got two of the heads eating out of the palm of his hand. Unfortunately, head No 3 wants to eat the palm of his hand, the rest of his hand, and the rest of him too, and it's resisting his charms big style. I can see him pause to catch his breath, and he kind of gasps - there's not a lot of air down here, anyway, and if you add triple dog-breath to that, it's a bit of a shock to the system. As soon as he pauses, the two heads he's got all pacified suddenly join in with the other one and go for him again. He's losing ground rapidly, and I have to do something - so I have a quick decision to make - I can't appear, that would be against the rules and the deal I shook on, but I can throw sticks (and bones if need be) and that's just what I do. Two of the heads look round to see what's going on, and the other one goes back under his spell right away, and after a bit longer, he's managed to get all of them nodding to the beat like those dogs in the back window of cars. Mr H gives me a dirty look, but even he has to admit that was some charming act, one that no-one's managed before. So he heads off to the centre of the Underworld.
Now all he's got to do is finish the journey and meet up with Mr H and his other half to convince them to let me go with him. I'm having serious doubts about Mr H, so I play the last card I've got , and go and see Tony and get him to explain to the Ice Queen that her other half is trying to keep me down here because he fancies me, and see what that does.
For some reason, he's quite happy to do that for me, so we'll see what happens now. I go back to my place, and check how I look, then make my way to the centre for the big decision.

Tony and Eurydice

I said I'd tell you a bit more about Eurydice last time - I know a bit more about her than she thinks I do. Mr H took me on one side just after she arrived and asked me to take care of her, make sure she was OK, keep her on the rails - he had this idea that she was quite likely to get rescued and that if it didn't happen, she'd have really big problems coming to terms with it. I asked him why he was so keen, and he told me the whole story, the boyfriend, the snakes, the lot - including the fact that he quite fancied her himself, but didn't want anyone (well, Persephone for starters ) to find that out, otherwise the rescue might get a bit too much help, and he quite liked the idea of her being down here for a while.

What he didn't tell me, though, was that he wasn't the only immortal with an interest in her - or to be a bit more precise, an interest in her because of who she was with up there. It's amazing how many mortals manage to upset the gods without even realising it - take me for instance, yes I know I was having it off with someone else's wife, but she swore he wasn't bothered by stuff like that, so it was a bit of a nasty shock when he decided I needed a trip down here and that he was going to help me make the journey.
Anyway, it would appear that Eurydice's chap has really pissed off a god or goddess, possibly more than one even, so he / she / they want to make him as miserable as possible.

Since the campaign for mortal rights that kicked off when people got really upset about what the immortals got up to, there are now rules that stop them just going up there and dragging someone off to the Underworld. There are now loads of rules about everything - all about stopping gods infringing mortal rights or something - it was a trade-off they had to accept to keep their status as recipients of sacrifices and the other perks of the job.
Actually, the whole deal is quite interesting - for instance they are still allowed to take the form of animals, but now they're not allowed to have sex with mortals while they're in that form. That kind of makes sense in a way, modern morals being what they are - I was always a bit sceptical about that side of things - I don't really believe that women actually fancied swans or bulls enough to make babies with them - more than a few incompatibilities I reckon - so it's more likely that they knew what the score was. In other words, they had a very good idea who was hiding in the feathers or the leather and either played along with the pretence or just let it happen to them. If it all worked out, their kids would end up semi-immortal and so would be in a position to look after them when they got too old to trade on their good looks, which is often all they'd got to start with - well, they never seemed to have potential career prospects up there, seeing as how football hadn't really caught on, so there was no-one rich to marry unless you were royalty, which they usually weren't, as the gods tried their best not to upset rich people and kings, because they gave the best tribute.
Yes I know it seems odd - they can't screw mortals when they're in animal form, but they can kill them - like they did me. Apparently that was part of the deal - in the normal world, some animals do kill people so it's OK for the gods to do it too - but they've got to make it real - they can't turn into a giant mouse and bite someone's head off, for example.

So back to the Eurydice thing - I was quite surprised when she finally arrived - she wasn't supposed to be really dead, according to her plan ( the one Mr H talked me through) but there she was, seriously bereft of life. Naturally, she didn't believe that she was - well, not for a while anyway, but after a few days, when loverboy didn't show - not a good advertisement for the male gender, that, promising to go to the gates of hell and beyond, then, when the chips are down, not going any further than next door's garden gate and messing around with Mrs Nobody - anyway, when he didn't show straight away, and she realised this could be for real ( I think the post mortem and funeral helped) she kind of went off the rails a bit - as predicted - and I got called in to sort the mess out.

Obviously, the first thing she does is fall for me. Happens every time - nothing I can do about it - but I actually fancy her a bit too, for once. If I'm stuck here four months a year, it would be nice to have a bit more choice than the Queen of the Dead - a right drama queen of the dead, if you ask me - for someone who's married to someone else, she doesn't half get possessive when it suits. And these days, that's all the time I'm down here. So a distraction, an attractive one at that, might be quite nice.

That's why, when she makes it clear at the first session that she's interested, I play along. I tell her that her reaction to being unexpectedly dead is completely normal, when in fact it's seriously off the scale - no-one else I've ever met has kicked up quite that much fuss, even the stroppiest of the neo-dead - and then I arrange to meet her later on. And as usual, I make up a story about being held up to see how keen they really are - they usually wait for as long as it takes, and if not, I say goodbye ( nicely) but not her - she blows me out ! And in public too! No-one's ever done that to me before, and that makes me even more interested in her.
So then I tell her the story of my life - so far - hoping to get a reaction - but after all that she still seems less interested in me than in him up there. She's obviously smitten with him, so after a bit of a battle with my conscience, I decide to help her. Well, she is a nice person, someone who deserves better than what's happening to her now. And if it doesn't work out for her, at least she thinks I'm a good guy - that might pay off in the longer term. I didn't realise I was so cynical and manipulative until now, now I'm writing it all down.
So I tell her I know a bit about the ins and outs of being rescued - well it has happened to me once a year for quite some time now - and I promise to share a few tips with him up there (once he shows up) about how to do it, so they both end up alive and out of here.
Now all we've got to do is wait for him to get here and try.

How I ended up here - Tony's version

You may well be wondering how I ended up down here, doing counselling sessions for people who don't realise that they're dead. There are quite a few of them, believe me, the neo-dead, and they can really disrupt the place. They're never satisfied with being dead, they expect things to be the same as when they were alive, and so they stir up trouble and make the really dead people unhappy, which is not what we want down here. I used to be one of them myself, which is probably why I ended up with the job I've got, though my relationship with the Queen of the Dead might have helped a bit in getting me the smart offices and all that.
So what can I tell you about me ? How did I get here and why ? More to the point, why am I not that bothered about being dead - could it be because I'm not always like that ?
Let's get on with the story. I'm told that there was quite a lot going on before I was born, something to do with fathers, daughters and trees, but I decided it's better not to ask too many questions. There's a lot of things it's better not knowing too much about, believe me.
For me, it all started when Aphrodite decided she fancied me. I was pretty young at the time, and up until she decided to take an interest I was still fairly innocent - I'd had the odd schoolboy crush, the usual sort of thing. So when someone comes along who is immortal, beautiful and everything anyone could want, ever, well there really isn't any competition, is there ? What's more, she knew it too. Maybe she took advantage - no, it isn't a maybe, she definitely did, but I wasn't complaining at the time. Goddesses have a way of making you feel wanted, while at the same time making it pretty clear that you don't really have a say in it.
And in this case, as we're talking about the goddess of love, no say whatsoever. She makes all the rules anyway, and, not surprisingly, she knows how to use them to suit herself when she wants to. And she's pretty attractive too, given how old she really is. I would point out that her age is not something you'd talk to her about, and not a question you'd ask her either, not if you want to stay alive for long, that is. That seems to be one of the main advantages of being immortal - you decide how old you want to be and that's always how old you seem to be.
The only problem was that, like all the other gods ( except maybe Athena and Apollo) she was already married. And who was she married to ? Ares . Yes. Well. You wouldn't normally pick a quarrel, never mind a fight, with the god of War, not unless you've got a serious death wish. He's not exactly a shrinking violet when it comes to getting a fight started - it seems to be the main part of his job description. Well it would be, wouldn't it ? He is the God of War after all.
He must be a real hoot at parties - you can imagine the conversation- "So what do you do ? "
" Me ? I'm the god of war and battles, I start wars and other things that kill people. Lots of people. Fancy a fight ?"
bit of a conversation stopper that one.
I've even heard a rumour he sometimes wears a t-shirt that says "Come and have a go if you think you and your army are hard enough" which he thinks is dead funny. Bad sense of humour there. Bet he doesn't get any takers, either. I certainly wouldn't argue with him, but seeing as that's who her other half was, I didn't really have a choice there either. Given what was going on it was obvious that he was going to argue with me.
I will admit it was one of the first things I asked her about, given that I'm quite fond of staying alive - whether he'd be bothered about what she was planning to do - but she said he was usually far too busy doing other things (like starting wars, getting involved in wars, watching people getting killed, that sort of stuff ) to be that bothered, and that anyway they did have an understanding about her "needs" too, that meant she could do pretty much what she wanted with who she wanted.
Maybe she didn't quite get that bit quite right, though. That becomes rather obvious a bit later on.

So there I was, the mortal beloved of a goddess. It's good for the ego, but very bad for the soul, because you don't have any say in what happens. She wanted me, she's the goddess of love, I'm a mortal, she gets what she wants - that's all there is to it.
We had some quite nice times, all things being equal, I wouldn't complain at all. You don't get to be the goddess of love without knowing how to do things properly, and she certainly made my life interesting - even though I didn't have any choice about it. That can be quite attractive at times too. So all this has been going on for several months, everything seems fine, when all of a sudden he finds out about my existence and what's going on, and, not surprisingly, doesn't like the fact that she's much more into me than she is into him. Quite understandable that she would be, if you ask me, given how cute everyone says I am. Not that he would understand that, of course.
As far as he's concerned, I'm up to no good with his wife and I've got to pay for it, preferably with pain, suffering, blood and death but not necessarily in that order. Not a position you'd choose to find yourself in, if you had a choice, that is.

Now this is the point where it all starts getting a bit complicated.
Because she was scared something might happen to me, with good reason - and it wouldn't be an accident, although it might look that way - she knew he used to do deals with the other gods and goddesses, like hiring them as hitmen,for example, and she knew that Artemis is a bit of a deadeye with a bow and arrow, and that hunting accidents are fairly common - she decided to pack me up in a trunk and send me off to her best mate so that I'd be safe. As it turned out, this wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. Her best mate spends six months of every year ruling the underworld. Her name's Persephone (why should that surprise you?) and she was (as fate would happen) getting a bit fed up of it all, getting a bit bored of hanging around with dead people all the time she's down there. Mr H isn't a big bundle of laughs either, he's a bit busy ruling the place, taking the guard dog for long walks and sorting out problems, so she's getting a bit bored of him too. So I arrive on her doorstep out of the blue, she opens the box, and guess what? She falls for me too. Why am I not surprised ? I seem to have this effect on the opposite sex, without even trying. It's a mixed blessing, believe me. I know quite a few people who'd really like that, but trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. If you fancy someone back, it's great, but that can't happen all the time - there's a lot of girls out there who you wouldn't want falling for you - especially as they end up being obsessed, and following you around. Anyway, although Persephone's not quite as cute as Aphrodite, she is a goddess in her own right too, and that makes a difference. OK, so she's a bit chilly at times, but I'm not going to turn her down, am I ? As if I could, anyway. Once again, as I explained before, she's a goddess, I'm a mortal, I don't really have a say in it. What's more, I'm down here in the underworld, which is her territory, and you don't need enemies down here, that's the last thing you need !
And, why am I not surprised, she's married. And this time it's the god of the dead - great - I've got war and death to choose between upsetting - and what is more, surprisingly, he's not the happiest of bunnies about his wife falling for a cute kid that her best mate's sent her to look after.
So I'm feeling like I'm Mr Unpopular with the gods, but Mr Irresistible with the goddesses. I can live with this, I suppose, but it certainly doesn't make things any easier for me. Half of them want my body and the other half want my body dead. Very dead. So I have to be very, very careful.

Anyway, after a month or three, her up there gets wind of what's going on and comes down here to make a scene. And that's one hell of a scene. You would not think they were ever on speaking terms, never mind best friends. Ouch !
Well, having two goddesses fighting over you is kind of fun, but there is always the risk they'll take half each - and I mean physically - and that might just hurt a bit. Fortunately they both want me in one piece too much to try that one. So in the end, to make the peace, because all the dead people down here are complaining they can't get the rest they've been promised, they get the top guy, Zeus, to come down and referee it and make the call. So he arrives, has a bit of a think and comes up with this idea. He asks one of the muses, Calliope I think her name was, to come up with the answer, and says he'll back whatever it is she says needs to happen.

So she works out that Persephone's stuck down here for 6 months out of 12, and that Mr H isn't too keen on having me around all of that time (although he is more tolerant than his mate the God of War) so there's no way Im going to end up down here for half the year as well. She also works out that Persephone won't let me not be here for at least some of the time she's down here. So she decides the sensible thing is to split things three ways - which she works out as 4 months down here with Persephone and 4 months up there with Aphrodite. That can't be too bad, can it? Plus she decided to let me choose where I was for the last third - I reckon she felt that I'd been goddessed a bit too much, and had absolutely no choice about things, so far. Zeus obviously thought a bit of male solidarity was appropriate in the circumstances, so he made them agree to it. Nice one.
So now I've got to make a choice for the odd thirds. You tell me - if you had a choice between the goddess of love, sunlight and fresh air and the queen of the dead, darkness and gloom for 4 months, which would you go for? Same as me then. So that works out as 8 months up top and 4 months down here.
Neither of them is totally over the moon about this, especially her down here, because she thinks she's lost out, but they both seem to accept it, at least for now. Both the husbands seem to as well. So for a while everything seems to be going just fine again, well for me at least, but then the god of war gets involved again, and how. He decides he's had enough, it wasn't his idea to let me spend two thirds of the year with his wife anyway, and now he's not going to go for these arrangements, he's going to go for me instead and start his own war - with me.

I thought they had an understanding about stuff like this, like she told me, but he thought otherwise. Like I said, he didn't understand. He's determined to sort me out once and for all - and he's clear that that sorting out isn't going to be something I'm going to like. So off he goes and changes himself into a wild boar (one of his favourite changes) and then he goes looking for me.
Now like an idiot, I've gone out hunting, which is one of my favourite hobbies - and what's even stupider, I'm hunting for wild boar, even though I've been told by her up there that it's not a smart move (for obvious reasons that she didn't explain and I didn't get until too late)
He comes running at me with malice aforethought, and although I get him with my spear, he gets me with his tusks. And as I'm mortal and he isn't, you don't have to think too much about it to work out which of us ends up dead. That's right, it's me. Very painful, lots of blood, not exactly quick either. So there I am, stone cold dead.
That makes him very happy. Aphrodite isn't too pleased about this, obviously. Someone is going to pay for this, in her book, so she swears revenge on everyone involved, and, to make sure I'm remembered, uses my blood to make some flowers. Quite cute, but I'd rather be alive than be a bouquet. Anyway, after a while, once she's calmed down a bit (which took some time) she tries to cut a deal with Mr H. She knows that although Persephone would be quite happy for me to be down there all the time, he wouldn't be. He's OK for her to be distracted some of the time (I can see why, she does get a bit heavy about things) but he does want some time with her on his own as well.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that the gods do another deal and I kind of get semi-immortal status - which is an improvement on being dead, but it still means I have to die every year - usually in some painful way that involves bleeding a lot ( that's down to Ares) and I still have to spend 4 months down here (Persephone) , but I get rescued by Aphrodite once a year and get brought back to life for four months. And I still get to choose where I go for the other 4 months, including whether I'm alive or dead. You don't have to guess which I choose.
So for me that's mostly OK except for the getting killed bit, but since the alternative is being permanently dead, I agree to it. Choice ? Maybe not, but it feels like I might have. So that's why I'm down here now.
But that doesn't explain how I got to do this counselling stuff, does it ?
One time, while I'm down here, Mr H has a bit of a chat with me - he reckons it would be good for the place if there was someone who was able to work with people who aren't really dead yet, or who don't think they are, and who might get rescued, so that they understand what it's all about - apparently there's quite a few who seem to be here by mistake and who take a while to realise that they are dead, since most of them don't get rescued in the end, in spite of promises that they will.
From his point of view the added bonus is that it keeps me away from his wife for at least some of the time I'm down here, although she does still keep me on a short leash because she still has the hots for me, and she doesn't want me going off with someone else - for her, it's bad enough having to share me with her up there. Since most of the people I get to work with are female and find me irresistible to start with, this usually confuses them about being rescued by their blokes. Not that this is my choice - it just always happens that way. Like Eurydice, for instance. Let's leave it at that for now - I'll fill in the gaps later.

Stars, galaxies and car accidents

When we look up at the skies at night in England you hardly see anything except the brightest stars - at least not where I live. There's just too much light everywhere.
When I was in Greece, walking back at night to where I was staying , the skies were so much brighter - you could see a lot more up there, because there aren't so many lights. You can see quite a lot of the sky - lots of stars and planets quite clear. And there were always bats flying around the street lights to catch the moths and other insects they attracted - not small bats either.
Anyway the thing I'm writing this about happened when I was driving back after dark on what would be a main road over here, but was like a country lane over there. You go through villages, seeing people sitting in roadside cafes and families out walking, and then you're on a road with nothing but your headlights to follow. The sort of road you don't often find in this country, but which you do over there - a really dodgy surface, no markings, quite big drops off the edges, and it's not always wide enough for two cars, plus it's dark out there too. Seriously dark. If it hadn't been for an accident, I would never have seen what I did, which was a really amazing sight.
I'd just driven through one of a series of small villages, about a mile or so back, and was following a lorry that was going a bit faster than I was - he knew the road and I didn't. Suddenly, by the side of the road, there was a woman waving at me to stop, by a car that was obviously not quite on the road. The lorry went straight by as if she wasn't there. So I stopped - it was the middle of nowhere, after all, and there was obviously something wrong, and you don't just drive on past, well not if you've got any humanity. It turned out she'd missed the road (just a bit) , gone off the edge and hit a rock with her front wheel. The wheel was totally ruined, as was the tyre. She spoke hardly any English, but she wasn't Greek - I speak a little Greek - she was German, spoke a language I can't even begin to understand. After a while of trying to work out what needed doing, and trying to ring her emergency cover - it was a hire car - and once you managed to find somewhere where there was a decent mobile signal to call from - the call just went through to an answerphone. It was obvious that she needed more help than I was able to offer. She needed a wheel changing, and I had to get back. There was someone else in the car with her, but it was an old guy who would be no help at all with changing a wheel. She'd got loads of stuff in the boot too. Just then, about half a dozen local people from the last village I'd gone through turned up and after a bit of a chat ( in English) it was obvious to them that I couldn't hang around - I had a 3 year old ( my grand daughter) in the car, who needed to get home, that I didn't actually know the lady, that I'd stopped to help her because it was an emergency ( which made me one of the good guys in their book) and that they could help her change the wheel. So I left them to it, with thanks all round.
To me there were two amazing things about all this -one - there I was in the middle of the Greek countryside, nowhere near a big tourist area, and yet the people who came up the road, who were local villagers, spoke really good English - and spoke some German too. It certainly wouldn't happen here - where I live the chances of finding someone who spoke another language would be pretty low, if not non-existent. Most people round here would struggle with anything other than English - and some of them even struggle with that sometimes !

But the most amazing thing was that while I was waiting for one of us to get through to her emergency number on a mobile, I looked up. Just looked up at the night sky. There was nothing else to do, anyway. Wow. You could see every star that ever shone in that part of the sky ever, and you could see the Milky Way so clear it was like a white path across the sky. Just like the name. It just made you realise how small it all is down here, and how little has really changed with the advance of so-called civilisation. The stars are all still there, not changed, and their mystery is as powerful as it always was. And that's when I decided that that's where I want to live - not the place itself, there aren't any houses there - but somewhere where, when you look up at night, you can see the stars. All of them. Daytime will look after itself. It just felt like somewhere I belonged, in the middle of nowhere, with no lights but where the sky was bright enough to see your way home. Home. Maybe I'll be there again some night. That's what I hope.

Tony pays a visit to explain it all

Haven't been back for long when I get a visit. I haven't quite worked out how this being dead thing works. Like where you are and what you do. If you stop to think about it, it's really odd - like I don't seem to remember eating or sleeping or anything like that, but I obviously have got somewhere to go, because I went there to get changed into these clothes, for example - but it isn't a house, it isn't really where you live, because you're not alive. There just seems to be a "place" - somewhere you are, even if you're not real - and people can kind of call round to see you, even though you aren't really there. It gives you a bad headache if you think about it too much.
Anyway, Tony turns up to see me, wherever it is that I am. My place. He says straight off that he wants to say sorry for messing me about, and that he's come round to explain. I'm tempted to tell him not to bother, but he looks genuinely remorseful, so I let him begin - whether I'll let him finish is another matter, though.
He tells me that there was a big problem getting away - that she doesn't trust him, so she had made up things he had to do before he could leave. He says that she often does things like that - that there's a really big issue about it almost all the time. He says he'd like to explain it to me, because he thinks I'll understand.
My first reaction is to say - "You mean that your wife doesn't understand you, you poor dear", and see if he gets it -me being ironic - but I decide not to just yet - I've got a strange feeling this might be interesting, and he does look so sad too, and that's something I always have found hard to resist in a man. Sad eyes, and a pretty face.

So he starts to tell me about how he got to be an item with Persephone and where all the problems have come from for her, plus why he's so good at counselling people who are expecting to be rescued. It turns out that he's been rescued himself, and that he gets rescued regularly because he has to die every year. "Every year ? That sounds like it's no fun at all "- I say - "how come? "
He says that if he didn't die every year the crops would fail up there, the seasons wouldn't change and it would just be all barren wilderness.
Hmm. Maybe or maybe not, I think.

Apparently they use his dead body to make things grow. And if he didn't get to escape from down here every year, by being rescued, that the same sort of thing would happen - except that the seeds wouldn't grow and there's be no spring and so on.
That sounds pretty important stuff, I say, thinking he's maybe not quite right about all this - maybe delusions of grandeur or something, but he really does seem to believe it.
So I ask him how did it all start? And he tells me that when he was a lot younger he had a bit of a thing for Aphrodite - or to be more precise she had a bit of a thing for him and that it all went badly wrong, and that's how he ended up down here.
He says he'd like to tell me all of it, but he doesn't know if I'm interested - and he tells me he's not got long - apparently he's due to be rescued very soon himself, and he wants to make sure I'm OK before he goes.

I'm beginning to think his motives aren't what I first thought they were, but I'm still not sure I trust him - it all sounds a bit like those blokes who pretend to be related to gods just to get off with you. But in the end, I decide that maybe it's worth hearing so I let him tell me the whole story. In his own words. I'll tell you what I think later.

A Date with Tony - or not

Doubts overcome for now , I head off to the rendezvous.
That's not quite it - I may have overcome the doubts, but I'm still very apprehensive. I really don't know what's going to happen. I've got a horrid feeling that him up there will arrive all of a sudden to rescue me, and he'll think I'm two-timing him, so he'll go away again. The thought that that might actually happen scares me quite a bit. At times I seem to have forgotten that I really don't want to stay down here, that I want to be alive again, that have a life to go back to. You know, it seems to me that the longer I'm down here, the less I remember about life up there - how nice it all was, having him around, even if he did keep messing things up with the hordes of wild animals that he'd charmed. Right now, I think I'd give almost anything to be plagued by things like that - maybe hundreds or even possibly thousands of wasps that he'd summoned with a song, if only I was alive, up there and with him. You know how much I hate wasps, so that's rather a big deal for me. It all seems so confused and so long ago - like a different world. Which in a way I suppose it is, isn't it.

And now here I am, off on a date with another man. Someone I hardly know, but who seems to have charms and powers that I don't know how to deal with. In case you are wondering, I've gone for the "modest" look - nothing provocative, basic stuff - if he wants me, it's going to have to be the real me he wants, not some bimbo airhead who's dressed up to kill and pull.

When I get there, he isn't there yet. Normally that would be irritating, but not desperate. In his case, I start wondering if either he's changed his mind and got cold feet about me, or that maybe she won't let him out, because she knows what he's up to, and then I think maybe she's found out who I am and will get me next. That's not something I find comfortable to think about.

I'm also thinking about how long I have to wait before I can run away and tell him it's his fault because he didn't show up. Not just yet, obviously. So I sit and wait.
Then it happens. I get a message from the waiter that he's been held up and will be there as soon as he can. With apologies, a bunch of flowers and a bottle of champagne - until he can get here. That kind of makes my mind up. Nice though it all is, it seems obvious to me what he's after, and I'm not sure that's what I want - and he seems far too sure of his charm, too. He obviously thinks I'll wait for him to show up when he's ready to, and that I'll do whatever he wants. So I decide to walk out. I tell the waiter to tell him thanks for the thought, the flowers and the champagne but something else has come up and I couldn't wait for him. And then I take the flowers and bottle with me and go. That should make him think. At least he won't think I'm a pushover, waiting on his every word with bated breath. Now we'll really see how keen he is. One other question still strikes me though - why am I bothered ? That's a good one. It's part of the waiting bit, I reckon. Let's see what happens.